From Darkness to Light

 

 

The testimony of my conversion to Christ

By James Barry Godwin

 

 

Why am I sharing my testimony?  I’d like to think it is purely to glorify God’s patience, providence, and grace, and to have a part in the spreading of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  But I find other motives at work in me like pride, self-promotion, and the desire to impress people.  So do I just sit down and shut up until my motives are perfectly pure?  Or do I cry out with Paul, “O wretched man that I am!  Who shall deliver me from the body of this death?”  I take comfort that “he remembereth that we are but dust.”  May the Lord be pleased to use me in spite of me!

 

 

From a Jacob to an Israel

 

I was born April 12, 1947 in Jacksonville Beach, Florida with a police escort.  As dad used to love to tell the story, he was speeding down the highway to the hospital with mom in labor in the back seat when a motorcycle cop pulled up next to him.  Dad pointed to the back seat where, as dad said, mom was “rolling around in labor!”  The cop took one look and said, “Follow me,” and we got a police escort, siren and all, to the hospital.  Unfortunately, it was not the only police escort I ever got in life!

 

We had a fairly large family.  I had 2 brothers, 1 sister, and 2 half sisters.  I was more or less a “prodigal son.”   While the others all finished college on time and started their careers, I “wasted a lot of my substance with riotous living.”

 

I have titled my story “From Darkness to Light,” but in some ways, it could have been called “From a Jacob to an Israel.”  Jacob was a conniver, a crook, and a wimp.  He conned his brother, Esau, out of the birthright.  But after he wrested all night with the Angel of the Lord, and God saved his soul, his name and his character were changed from Jacob, “supplanter,” to Israel, “one who prevails with God.”

 

I identified with Jacob in a lot of ways.  I was a pool hustler of sorts; the kind of guy who would play poker with you, and stack the deck.  Was I a wimp like Jacob was?  I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it might tend to incriminate me!  I will say this: the Bible clearly teaches that “not many wise…, not many mighty…, not many noble…are called; but God has chosen the foolish things…, the weak things…, the base things…, the things which are despised…, and the things which are not…” (I Corinthians 1).

 

Jacob would plot and scheme to exalt himself.  I was cut from the same cloth.  Whatever I was into at the time—always some sport or game—I was usually obsessed with being the best at it.  So when I finally came to Christ as a young man, I figured I’d be the best Christian.  Boy, did I have a lot to learn!  Whereas where they scratch and claw to be number one in the kingdom of Satan, he that is least of all and servant of all is greatest of all in the kingdom of Christ.  This is one of the great secrets of life, though it’s really no secret.

 

 

If this is Christianity, I don’t need it.

 

My mom was Catholic and my dad was Episcopalian.  So, of course, I was raised Catholic.  Although I have warm memories of the awesome old Gothic cathedrals and the choirs singing in Latin, the Catholic religion, as well as all religions, seemed like mostly a waste of time to me.  They made me an altar boy when I was about 10 years old.  I was scheduled to serve 6:30AM mass one week.  On Monday morning of that week I arrived at school about 8:00AM.  The nun who taught our class was steaming with anger.  She stood me up in front of the whole class and, with a voice that could shatter glass, made the point that I had nothing more important to do in all of life than to serve mass.  She asked me why I wasn’t there on time.  I said, “I forgot”.  She said, “Oh, you forgot, did you?  Are you going to be on time tomorrow?”  I said, “Well, Sister, I don’t know.  You see, my dad is taking me to the wrestling matches tonight, so I’ll be up late, and it might be hard to get up early.”  If she’d had a gun, she might have shot me on the spot!

 

Not all the nuns were as crusty as she was.  One in particular, Sister Mary Stephanie, will always have a special place in my heart.  She was so calm and peaceful, sweet and smart—a virtuous woman in many ways.  I loved her.  She taught us for 3 straight years.  I suppose she had some influence on our decision later in life to name our only daughter “Stephanie.”

 

But all in all, by the time I became a young man, I had pretty much rejected as unprofitable most of the Catholic system of priests, masses, rosaries, relics, indulgences, purgatory, etc.  I would like to be able to say I saw through it because I understood the Biblical teachings found, for example, in Ephesians chapter 2—that we are saved by grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ alone.  But the fact is, I had never even heard of the book of Ephesians, much less read it.  I pretty much just lumped Catholicism in with all other religions as a waste of time.

 

I attended Christian Brothers High School in Memphis.  While the name “Christian Brothers” may have a nice ring to it, there was little there that resembled Christ.  It was pretty much typical Catholic tradition and superstition.  I snuck through high school with as little effort as possible.  How was studying history, physics, or biology going to help me to break and run out in 9-ball?

 

I enrolled in a Catholic Jesuit college in Mobile, Alabama called Spring Hill College.  The priests would tend bar for us at our school parties.  It was not hard for me to conclude what I already wanted to conclude anyway: “if this is Christianity, I don’t need it.”  I did not see where I had time to go to class in college.  Looking for the right girl friend (but never finding her) took some time, and when I wasn’t running an all-night poker game in my room, I was often out at the pool halls, or the bars, digging up whatever sin I could find.  I introduced marijuana to my fraternity brothers.  It took a little less than two years for them to kick me out of school for “disturbing study atmosphere.”

 

 

“…Whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin.” (John 8:34)

 

By the time I had become a young man, I thought I was free as a bird—free from religion, free from God, free from his laws.  Free?  O my, how deceptive sin can be!  Jesus said, “…whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin.” (John 8:34)

 

I got arrested for writing my own amphetamine prescriptions in Memphis in 1968.  Because my parents could afford a good lawyer, the charges were dropped.

 

I got arrested for shoplifting in Florida in 1970, and pled guilty in court, receiving a suspended sentence.  End of story?  Not quite.  I am a health care insurance broker now.  Every time I apply for appointment with a new insurance company I have to go through the humiliation of explaining that incident.  It has stuck to me like fly paper to this very day.  We reap what we sow in life whether we be bound or free.

 

I was drafted for the war in Viet Nam, but I ended up 4F because of my history of drug abuse.  After my conversion to Christ, this became one of the great regrets of my life, and still is.

 

Because of the shame and sadness, it is probably best not to even speak of some of the things I did in those dark days.  Talk about regrets…

 

 

“The Son of Man is come to seek and to save that which is lost.” (Luke 19:10)

 

Why did God set his love on me?  What made him decide to seek out a sinner like me and not my next door neighbor?  Who can say?  I do know this (but I can’t say I knew it then): the year was 1969, I was 22 years of age, and he started a process in my life of drawing me to himself like a moth to the light.

 

I was in a laundromat in Eau Gallie, Florida, washing clothes.  This woman sitting next to me began to preach the gospel to me.  By this time, because of the hardness of my heart, I had become pretty much of an atheist.  We debated quite a while over the existence of God.  I mocked and insulted her.  She went and got her husband to come preach to me.

 

They promised me that if I would pray with them, God would reveal Himself to me.  I said, “Right here and now?”  They said, “Yes, right here and now.”  I said, “Well, I want to see this.”  So we all got down on our knees there in the middle of the laundromat—people walking by, probably thinking we’re all a bunch of kooks—and they prayed for me that God would reveal Himself to me.  When we finished, I looked up, hoping to see God or at least an angel standing in front of me.  When I saw nothing, I said, “Well…, where is He?”  They said, “Don’t you feel Him?”  I said, “Oh, come on.  You promised me I would see Him.  Where is He?  See, He doesn’t really exist.  You’re just like all the other religious hypocrites I’ve ever met.” 

 

A few days later, the husband came to see me at the local bank where I was working.  I still remember the humble look on his face.  It was evident to me because it was in such sharp contrast to the look of arrogance and pride I was so used to seeing on the faces of most of the people I hung out with.  He put a little pocket sized New Testament in my teller’s drawer and told me they were all praying for me at his church.  I thought to myself, “Well, if you want to waste your time praying for me, and your money buying me Bibles, so be it.”

 

I had never had a Bible in my hands before that I could remember.  I certainly had never read one.  I’m thinking, “What am I going to do with this?”  I took it into the break room and told everyone the story.  We were all having a big time mocking and laughing when one woman changed the entire atmosphere in an instant.  She boldly declared, “Well, Barry, I believe the Bible!”  I could see that she was serious.  She went on: “If the Bible is not the word of God, then how come everything it has ever prophesied has come true?”  I said, “It has?”  I’d never heard anything like that before.  It cut me to the quick.  Still, I managed to put all that on the back burner and continue my life of sin.

 

 

The “hound of heaven”

 

Society was going through some dramatic changes in the late 1960’s.  There was sexual revolution, cultural revolution, political revolution, just to name a few.  There was also in those days, what could well be described as a special visitation of the Spirit of God in this country.  It might not be accurate to describe it as a time of true revival, but I do know a lot of people were professing faith in Christ back then, and though many were like the dog who returns to his vomit again, or like the sow that was washed to its wallowing in the mire, there were some who are still serving the Lord to this day.  I also know this: that first witness, in that laundromat in Florida was just the beginning.  It seemed like God had ordered the “Hound of Heaven” after me.  People began evangelizing me from every direction.

 

My nephew had recently had some kind of spiritual experience.  He called it “getting saved”.  I had never heard of anything like that before.  He told me I was living for the devil.  I didn’t say anything.  I just looked at him and thought to myself, “You know, he’s right.”

 

Still, I continued to seek the pleasures of sin as much as possible and then, here came the Hound of Heaven again.  Abusing marijuana and sometimes harder drugs, including LSD, was having a negative effect on my nerves, to say the least.  I had tried lots of remedies but nothing worked.  So I decided to pray as a last resort.  Other than that time in the laundromat, I don’t know that I had ever really prayed before.  Immediately I felt a peace come over me unlike anything I had ever experienced.  It was so dramatic that I thought maybe I had gotten “saved,” whatever that was. 

 

I had not gotten saved, but something definitely was different from that moment on.  I did not know it then, but it was what theologians call the “pre-salvation work of the Holy Spirit.”  Jesus said, “No man can come unto me except the Father, who hath sent me draw him…”  (John 6:44).  God had begun the process of drawing me.

 

I began to develop a conscience which really threw a wrench into things!  I would play pool, and if I’d win, sometimes I’d give the money back.  I had trouble lying like I used to.  It was confusing.  I even told some of my “friends”—partners in sin and crime were more like it—that I was becoming “some kind of Christian.”  They did not seem interested. 

 

I was under “conviction of sin,” but I had a long way to go before I was really ready to do business with God.  Although I had made some moves in the right direction, gambling, drugs, and all manner of immoral behavior were still the hallmarks of my life.

 

The “girlfriends” I had could hardly be called that.  If I was interested in them, they’d dump me.  If they were interested in me, I’d dump them.  It was pretty pathetic.

 

 

“Beware lest any man spoil you through vain philosophy and vain deceit, after the traditions of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ” (Col 2:8)

 

The wages of sin were beginning to catch up with me.  I became confused, lonely, and depressed.  I had thoughts of throwing in the towel, but the fear of hell deterred me.  Between the years of 1967 to 1973, I went to 2 psychologists, 3 psychiatrists, and 3 priests for counseling trying to figure out why I was so unhappy?  And how do I put the pieces of the puzzle together?  And why I couldn’t find somebody to love?

 

Now I know that psychology and psychiatry have their places, but these were my experiences:

One of the psychiatrists was a devout atheist.  One of the psychologists suggested I try reading more pornography.  If the 3 priests weren’t perverts, they sure acted like it—same for another one of the psychiatrists.  One psychologist did suggest I study the lives of great men in history—not bad advice.  And one psychiatrist did suggest I try going to church—not bad advice.  But not one of them seemed even remotely aware of my greatest problem: how was a hell-deserving sinner like me ever going to be made righteous in the sight of a holy God?

 

To tell you the truth, the atheist probably made the most astute observation of them all.  He said, “You’re looking for some sweet young all-American girl to be your wife, and yet you’re a rat, a con-man.  You don’t have a career or even a job other than selling dope and gambling.  You can’t offer her any security.  Why should she be interested in you?”  It cut me like a knife.

 

One night some thug from a pool hall beat me up.  I asked that same psychiatrist “why do things like this keep happening to me?”  He said, “what do you expect from the places you go and the kind of people you hang out with?”  How was I going to argue with that?

 

 

 

“…lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine unto them.”

(II Corinthians 4:4))

 

One night in 1973 a really startling wake-up call was sent to me from a most unexpected source.  I was selling some marijuana to three “customers” when suddenly from behind me I heard the chilling sound of a trigger cocking and felt the barrel of a pistol at the back of my neck as they proceeded to rob me.  The guy’s hand was trembling.  He kept saying, “I’m gonna’ blow this cracker’s head off.”  I’m wondering what it’s going to be like to snapped into eternity.  The darkness I saw in their eyes that night made an impression on me that I would never forget.  I did not know it then, but I had begun to understand by experience something of the biblical principle of light-and-darkness.  I did not know it then, but the issue of light-and-darkness is no minor theme in scripture:

·      “The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light” (Isaiah 9:2).

·      Light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light” (John 3:19).

·      “…lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine unto them” (II Cor 4:4).

·      “The light of the body is the eye… (Matthew 6:22).

·      “…the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light” (I Peter 2:9).

·      And a host of other like statements.

 

Actually, I was becoming obsessed with 3 issues in life: God, love, and this issue of light-and-darkness.  The hound of heaven was after me more so than ever.  Gospel messengers were coming to me from what seemed like “out of the woodwork.”  Just to mention a few:

 

* Two of my old friends had gotten “saved,” what ever that was.  They took me to an evangelistic meeting.  It was probably the first time I had been in a church in years.  I went forward at the invitation.  I asked the evangelist, “Why should I quit selling marijuana?”  Without any hesitation he answered, “Because the Bible says to obey the laws of the land.”  Wow!  I had never met anyone who could quote the Bible and apply it to my life like that!  The sword of the Lord just pierced into my soul!  I will probably never forget that simple encounter.

 

* I was walking into a bar one night, and out front was one of my old high school friends with a Bible in his hand telling me that Jesus Christ is “the way, the truth, and the life.”  There was a brightness to his countenance I had never seen before.

 

* I went to play golf and who did I get pared with but John Bramlett?—the ex All-Pro NFL linebacker.  John’s recent conversion to Christ was the talk of the town.  I was full of questions.  He was more than willing to try to answer every one.  What a “coincidence,” huh?

 

* One day I was just standing at a gas pump, filling my car, when a young man comes by with a Bible in his hand and starts telling me “Jesus loves me.”  I’m thinking, “Is there a conspiracy going on here, or what?”

 

* One day I was walking down the street, contemplating the existence of God, as usual, and thinking, “I wonder what is really going on here with all these people telling me of a God in heaven who loves me.  Could it really be true?  And if it is, how do I know Jesus Christ is the only way to him?”  At that exact instant—what a “coincidence”—church bells from a grand old Anglican cathedral across the street began ringing.  The Lord’s answer was as clear as if he’d spoken to me with an audible voice!

 

* A most astonishing event took place one night in T.G.I. Friday’s at Overton Square in Memphis.  I was sitting there eating dinner, discussing the marijuana business with one of my customers, when I silently cried out to God in my mind, as I often did.  Just as I did—what a “coincidence”—I noticed a very eerie “dark light” shining at me from the corner of the eye of the man sitting at the next table.  Then I noticed he and another man at his table were eavesdropping on my conversation.  It was very frightening.  I just stopped what I was doing, sat up, and looked directly back at them.  It is hard for me to describe how intense it was.  There was a deep, “glaring darkness” in their eyes, and fierce anger on their faces.  I’m staring back right into their eyes in defiance.  I think it’s called “threading the needle.”  There was no question as to who they were, or what they were doing.  They were narcotics agents, watching me.  I got in my car and left to go stash all my marijuana in a safe place, overwhelmed that God would choose to have mercy on me rather than justice.  I just kept crying out loud, “Thank you, God.  Now I know you’re real.”

 

(You may be thinking, “It was probably just paranoia.  How does he know those guys were cops?”  I’m glad you asked.  Allow me to fast forward about a year into the future from that night.  By then I was truly converted, out of the marijuana business, and working as a night auditor at the Holiday Inn, when one of those same 2 men walked into the lobby.  I said, “you’re a policeman, aren’t you?”  He said, “how did you know?”  I reminded him of that  night in Friday’s, and that I had since become a Christian.  He admitted that, yes, he was working Metro-Narcotics at that bar at that time.  Amazing!)

 

 

“For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.” (II Corinthians 4:6)

 

I hung out at night at the bars at Overton Square in Memphis a lot in those days.  Although I abused my fair share of marijuana and other illegal drugs, I was really not much of a drinker as I usually wanted to stay relatively sober for pool, golf, and gambling.  I just hung out there a lot, still looking for the right girl friend…still not finding.

 

At that time God was sending these “Jesus freaks” there to Overton Square to spread the gospel to people like me.  One group was from a para-church ministry called the “Sonshine Inn.”  There was a sweet young girl in the group named Beverly Akes.  I had no idea at the time, but she turned out to be the one God had reserved for me.

 

I would often talk to one young man from the Sonshine Inn, who, like me, had lived a life of sin, but he had been converted, and his life had changed.  I told him I thought maybe I had already been “converted,” but I knew inside that he had something I didn’t have.  I would have long conversations with him on the sidewalks of Overton Square trying to determine how much of my sin I would have to give up if I really did come to Christ like he did.  He was so patient with me, and he had such a peace about him.  I did not know it, but everyone from the Sonshine Inn was praying for me.  I can remember thinking, “Do I really have to forsake all like they have to be a disciple of Christ?  Couldn’t I just forsake some?  How about most?  But all?  Oooh, I just don’t know!” 

 

I began going to the Catholic cathedral that I attended as a child, but not for services.  I would go during the middle of the day when no one else was there so I could have the place all to myself to pray.  I would like to be able to say I was praying for God to ransom me from my sin, but to be honest, mostly I was praying for him put all the pieces of this crazy puzzle together for me and to send me a good woman to love.  But at least I was praying, which is quite a development for someone who not long before considered himself an atheist and mocked the gospel of Jesus Christ.

 

I had a little pocket-sized New Testament that someone had given me along the way.  It may have been the same one that the man in Florida had given me years ago—I can’t remember for sure.  I had never read any of it, but I still had it.  I laid it open on a table in my house and set up a candle behind it (like a good Catholic).  People would come in to buy marijuana from me and they’d see this open Bible and the candle and say, “what’s up with you?”  I didn’t know what to say.

 

Loneliness, depression, confusion, and the issues of God, love, light and darkness were pressing harder on me.  I thought if I didn’t find some answers soon I was just going to throw in the towel.  And then came August 25, 1973.  I walked into T.G.I. Friday’s about lunchtime, thinking “what am I doing spending day after day and night after night in this place of darkness?”  Just then—what a “coincidence”—the music began to play a country & western song that was popular at the time:

“Lord, help me, Jesus.

I’ve wasted it,

So help me, Jesus.

My soul’s in your hands...”

I thought, “How many times is the Lord going to speak to me before I wake up and listen?”

 

I left, but came back that evening.  The darkness and the hypocrisy made me feel like I was ready to explode.  I had to do something.  I realized that God himself had given me this insight, but why?  I said to myself, “I can’t take this any more.  I’ve got to know if there really is a difference between the people in here and those ‘Christians’ out there on the sidewalk.  If there’s not, then I guess I’ll just end it all.”  I practically ran out the door to the sidewalk.  I didn’t know what the answer was going to be, but I was desperate to find out.  I had finally come to the end of myself!

 

A young man named Johnny was there sharing the gospel with a young girl.  I walked up to him and looked right into his eyes to try to determine if he truly had the answer.  The light I saw in him may not have been like the one the Apostle Paul saw on the road to Damascus, but it sure seemed like it to me!  Did I hear any mysterious voices?  We have places for people who hear mysterious voices!  Was it a vision?  No.  Was it a physical light? a spiritual light?  I’m not sure of the best way to describe it, but if you ask me, “was it real?” the answer is “Absolutely!”  The difference between him and the people inside that bar was exceedingly, abundantly more clear to me than I would ever have even imagined.  The Bible speaks of God’s glory filling the temple for the Jews.  Well, his glory filled the sidewalk for me that night!

 

I was absolutely convinced with all my heart that Jesus Christ is risen from the dead and is Lord.  The questioning, the wondering, the searching was all over in an instant.  I felt clean.  I felt new.  I was full of a joy and a peace I had never known before.  I was “born again,” just as the scripture says, though I did not know as yet what that really meant.  In the short distance from that bar to that sidewalk, I had stepped from the kingdom of darkness and entered the kingdom of light!

 

I realized that God’s all-powerful and all-loving hand of providence had been orchestrating every event in my life at every turn to bring me to that sidewalk at that moment.  I was overwhelmed at his patience with me for all those years.  I was very conscious of the fact that God had done something for me that I could never have done for myself.  Like Lydia of Thyatira, the Lord had opened my heart to attend unto the things of the gospel (Acts 16:14).

 

To what things of the gospel did I attend?  I wish I could say I understood all about the atoning work of Christ, and what it means to be called, justified, and sanctified.  Within 2 days, I would be in a Bible believing church on Sunday morning feasting on these great truths, but to be honest, I didn’t know a whole lot of anything that Friday night.  Like the woman with the issue of blood, about all I knew to do was touch the hem of Jesus’ garment.  I guess you could say the sum total of my knowledge was something like this: he is risen from the dead, he is Lord, I am his, and I am going to be serving him for the rest of my life.

 

I didn’t know what else to say to Johnny except: “You’ve got the power of God in you.”  He said, “What, are you mocking me?”  I said, “No, and now I’ve got it in me!”  We both just looked at each other…neither of us speaking for a moment…he was sizing me up.  Then he said, “May I pray for you?”  I said, “Sure.”  I can still remember his prayer quite well.  He asked God to release me and set me free from the power of sin and Satan.  I remember thinking as he prayed, “This is a nice prayer, but he’s just a little late.  God has already set me free about 2 minutes ago!” 

 

When we finished praying and I opened my eyes, I noticed some of my friends and acquaintances walking by.  I was suddenly pressed with the reality that they were just walking the plank into hell—the same plank from which I had just been snatched!  I don’t know that I had ever given the subject of hell a whole lot of serious thought before now.  But my, how all that changed in an instant!  I wanted to stop them all and tell them, “Hey, I’ve found the way of escape out of the sin and the darkness.  It’s wonderful.  It’s glorious.”  I did try telling some of them, but it was clear they were not interested.

 

 

“He that believeth on the Son of God hath the witness in himself…” (I John 5:6)

 

I went home and picked up my little New Testament.  I had no idea where to start.  I don’t remember my thought process in deciding on the epistle of First John, but it seemed like God Himself just illuminated the pages as I read that “God is light, and in Him is no darkness at all.”  I read that “God is love.”  It was about all the things that I had been consumed with for the last 4 years.  Not only that, but what a bonus when I got to chapter 5 and read, “…this is the record, that God hath given to us ETERNAL LIFE, and this life is in his SON.  HE THAT HATH THE SON HATH LIFE…”  I was just amazed.  I didn’t know the Bible had stuff like this in it.  It bore witness with my spirit.  There was peace in my soul.  (By the way, I might have chosen any book of the Bible to start.  Was I just lucky to happen to open up to First John?  I trust it is not necessary to dignify that question with an answer!)

 

It was partly sunny the next day.  I felt like, if I could just roll back the clouds, there would be Christ himself, seated on his throne, watching his new child.  I wanted to sing, but did not know any Christian songs or hymns, other than “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”  All day long I kept looking up at the sky and singing “Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord…”

 

I wanted to tell somebody what had happened.  By now I thought I could pretty well determine whether or not people were Christians just by looking into their eyes.  I went up to one guy who seemed to have a nice look on his face and some light in his eyes.  I said, “Are you a Christian?”  He said, “Well,…uhhhh…, yeah.”  I introduced myself, shook his hand and said, “Well, I am too.  I just thought we ought to get to know each other since we’re going to be spending eternity together!”  He looked at me like I was crazy.  I decided maybe I better contain my enthusiasm somewhat until I can find somebody who can relate to me.  I got in my car and drove up and down Central Avenue looking for the Sonshine Inn.  I finally found it.  They all welcomed me in as a new brother in Christ.

 

 

“If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature.  Old things are passed away.  Behold, all things are become new.” (II Corinthians 5:17)

 

It has been well said that, “We are saved by faith alone, but the faith that saves is never alone.”  It is the result of the “new birth,” said Jesus; which then results in being “made alive,” said the apostle Paul, and in receiving a “new heart,” said the prophet Ezekiel, and in becoming a “new creature,” said Paul again.  I was certainly no exception.  O my, how my life has changed.

 

I knew “intuitively” from the very start that my days as a Roman Catholic were over.  What need was there for some man, who is just as big a sinner as I am, to be my priest, when I now have direct access by prayer and faith to The Great High Priest?  What good can come from the offering of daily sacrifices “which can never take away sins” (Hebrews 10:11), especially when Christ “by one offering has perfected for ever them that are sanctified” (Hebrews 10:14)?

 

I also knew “intuitively” from the start what I later discovered is clearly taught in scripture: “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”  My language changed instantly.  Whereas I used to blaspheme that holy name whereby we are called, now I love to sing praises to it.  Whereas I used to cuss like a sailor, now I just cringe when I hear even the slightest inappropriate comment from anyone.  I can’t count the number of times over the years I’ve warned people that we are not allowed to use profanity out here (“out here on this planet”).  I’ve had more than one get angry at me about it.  People don’t like to have their righteousness insulted, but Jesus said, “…every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment, for by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned” (Matthew 12: 34-37).

 

There was just no desire for marijuana or any other illegal drugs any more.  To this day, I will hardly take an aspirin unless I am desperate.  When I am offered a cup of coffee, my standard reply is, “no thanks.  I got off of drugs when I got saved!"

 

I called a metro-narcotics detective that I had met a few times at various hangouts over the years.  For some reason he had always been friendly to me.  I told him I suspected they were closing in on me, and, if he would, please tell them to back off, because it’s all over…I’ve gotten saved, and I’m out of the dope business!  He admitted they were closing in on me.  He was rejoicing with me on the phone at my conversion to Christ.  He said he was a Christian himself.  It was great.

 

I got a job and quit gambling.  You’ll search the bible in vain for a verse that says “thou shalt not gamble.”  But what you will find are statements like “beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God….”  How am I going to obey the commandment to love one another if I’m trying to beat you out of your paycheck?

 

If I may, let me pause here for a moment and try to clear something up.  If you have known me for a while, you might remember me saying that back in the late 1980’s I went several times to the horse track in Hot Springs, or the dog track in West Memphis.  It was wrong of me.  If I was a stumbling block to you, please let me ask your forgiveness.  Please don’t misunderstand me; I am not criticizing racing, especially horse racing.  It’s a noble sport.  I still love to watch the Kentucky Derby, and the Triple Crown on TV.  If it weren’t for all the drunks, I’d still love to attend Churchill Downs on Derby Day.  But that’s the point.  I can still remember the day in 1991 when I took my family to the horse races in Hot Springs.  We placed some small bets for entertainment.  But as the day wore on, I noticed that we were about the only people there who were not drinking, smoking, and cussing.  I was embarrassed and convicted.  There is just no getting around the fact that dog tracks, horse tracks, and the like quite often attract a lot of “lewd people of the baser sort.”  I concluded that it’s just best for me not to go to those kinds of places any more, and have not been back since.  The scripture says to “abstain from all appearances of evil.”  I hope this clears that up.

 

I gained a whole new set of friends who believed the gospel.  I have no idea what happened to most of my old acquaintances.  There were some from whom I had to ask forgiveness and make amends.  There are others from whom I would like to ask forgiveness, but I wouldn’t even know where to find them.  I asked my mom’s and dad’s forgiveness for all the trouble I had caused them over the years.

 

I had acquired quite a collection of Rock ‘n Roll music albums over the years.  One day I just gathered them all up and just dropped them in a dumpster.  I replaced them all with Christian music.  I have never regretted that move for one minute.  The vain philosophies of the world had spoiled me long enough. 

 

I went to enlist in the army, wanting in a small way to make up for my reckless past.  The recruiter ran a background check on me.  It came up clean.  That was before the age of computers.  He said all I have to do to enlist is say “no” to the questions regarding ever having used or abused illegal drugs.  I figured if I had to lie, then the Lord must not want me there.

 

Now that I had a new heart, I was able to understand the gospel.  The great truths of the faith which (a) I had never even heard of before, and (b) even if I had, would not have made any difference to me, now began to thrill my soul.  I can still remember it so clearly, one Sunday afternoon, not long after coming to Christ: I was listening to a radio sermon on the subject of “imputation,” when suddenly the glory light came on for me again, and I saw that my sin was imputed to Christ on Calvary, and his righteousness was imputed to me when I came to him.  It has been well said that a lost man can see everything in the cross of Jesus Christ that a saved man can, except for one thing: the glory.  He can’t see the glory.  I began to see that glory and still do to this day, only more so.

 

I hope that by describing some of the blessings of being in Christ that I do not sound like I’m boasting on myself.  I hope I am boasting on the work of the Holy Spirit in me, but John Owen put it well in 1656: “Who can say that he has ever had anything to do with God or for God which indwelling sin has not tried to corrupt?”  But the “Carnal Christian” heresy is so prevalent in our society, that is seems important to point out that, though Christians still sin woefully, sin does not have dominion over us any longer (Romans 6).  Yes, on the one hand, I am a disgrace to Christ with my pride and self-righteousness (Romans 7).  It often seems like the closer I get to the Lord, the more I am aware of the Pharisee in me.  But on the other hand, there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8).  Like all Christians, I am continually striving to overcome my sin and my doubts (Hebrews 12).  The typical lost man knows no such struggle.  I long for the day when I will be perfectly conformed to the image of Jesus Christ!  The typical lost man does not think that way.  Let me say it like this: I aint what I oughta’ be, and I aint what I’m gonna’ be, but praise God, I aint what I was!

 

The need to exalt myself began to diminish.  Why?  Was it because I now realized I had finally reached the top?  Not hardly!  Just the opposite.  I began to understand the revolutionizing truth that, “God’s strength is made perfect in weakness.”  No, I don’t have it all together.  But I’ve got a sinless Saviour who has it all together!  My job is to humble myself before him.  I’d like to be able to say that God has wiped that “high look” off my face that I wore for so many years.  I wish I could say I have reached the top in meekness and in having a lowly servant’s heart like the one God’s only begotten son had, but alas! to my shame, this one will take some time.  Please be patient with me; I started from way back in the pack!

 

 

“The entrance of thy words giveth light.”  (Psalm 119:130)

 

Shortly after my conversion, I told my mother I needed to get myself a Bible.  She asked me what kind of a Bible?  I didn’t know there was more than one kind.  She said, “Maybe you should get a King James Bible.”  I didn’t know what she was talking about.  In the meantime, I joined a Baptist Church and was baptized.  That young girl, Beverly, whom I mentioned earlier, was a member there also.  One night she gave me a present.  It was a King James Bible.  I began to wear it out.  It lasted me for a number of years, and then I bought another one, and another, and another….  To me, there’s nothing like the splendor, the grandeur, the dignity of the King James Bible.

 

I asked my friends at the Sonshine Inn where I should start reading in my new Bible.  They suggested the book of Romans.  So I went home and read it through that night.  I can still remember getting to the 9th chapter and reading for the first time:

“…Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated…Therefore he has mercy on whom he will have mercy, and whom he will he hardens…Who art thou, O man, to reply to God?”

I thought, “Wow!  This is deep stuff.”  I decided that, being a new Christian, maybe this was a little over my head for now, and to put it on the back burner for a while.  Today, I understand Romans 9 to be proclaiming a lot of things, not the least of which is the same glorious truth that is taught everywhere else in the Bible: the Judge of the whole earth may show mercy; he will do right!

 

 

“Whoso finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains the favor of the Lord.” (Proverbs 18:22)

 

Beverly and I became good friends.  We saw each other at church at lot, and often rode to church together.  I became good friends with her mom and dad too.  The more I got know Beverly, the more I noticed how pretty and sweet she was, how generous and meek she was.  The more I got to know Beverly, the more she seemed to me like the quintessential example of a Christian woman.  Then one day “bells and whistles” began to go off between us!  Then one night I gave her a good-night kiss!  Can you imagine that?  Three months later, I took her out to dinner and to a little chapel in east Memphis to propose to her.  It was very romantic.  She said “yes.”  A month later, in December, 1974, we were married.

 

It was quite different from a typical engagement in our society.  I had read in the Bible in I Corinthians chapter 7 that it is “good for a man not to touch a woman…nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let them marry.”  I figured that meant to keep my cotton-pickin’ hands off until we were married!  That may sound a little unusual in our society, but I can tell you this: it was a sweet honeymoon!  Well, actually, the honeymoon isn’t over yet; although from time to time we’ve had to put it on hold in recent years because of Bev’s problems, but we won’t go into those.

 

We have one daughter, Stephanie, born in 1979.  We always wanted more children, but O my, what a blessing that girl has been.  Stephanie also developed some serious problems as she grew up, but we won’t go into those either.  We have two grandchildren, Noah and Savanna.

 

 

“…and I will restore unto you the years that the locust hath eaten.” (Joel 2:25)

 

I attended Mid South Bible College—now called Crichton College—from 1976 to 1979.  Whereas I had been expelled from college almost 10 years earlier for “disrupting study atmosphere,” now that the Lord had replaced my heart of stone with a heart of flesh, I became, if I do say so myself, what you might call a “model student!”  The Lord “restored unto me the years the locusts had eaten!”

 

I wound up in the insurance industry.  The time would fail me to tell of how God has blessed me with my own health care insurance agency.  Indeed, he has “restored unto me the years the locusts had eaten.”

 

 

How do you know you’re not deceiving yourself?

 

I have been invited to teach or preach once in a while over the years, but I don’t think I will ever be called thereto.  What a privilege it is for Christians to be “ambassadors for Christ.”  What a responsibility Christians have to warn the wicked of God’s wrath and of the way of escape.

 

If the question be asked, “Isn’t it kind of arrogant for you to think that you have the truth, while so many around you are in error?”  Or, “Do you really think you are one of God’s chosen few, while so many others perish?”  And, “How do you know you’re not deceiving yourself?”  My answer is, “Okay, fair enough.”  If I’m going to ask others to admit the possibility that they are deceiving themselves, then it would be arrogant for me not to be willing to admit the possibly that I could be deceiving myself.  The greatest Christian who ever lived feared “lest possibly, when he had preached to others, he himself might be a castaway.” (I Corinthians 9:27)  So I’ll answer the question this way: while I’m very confident that I know the Lord, and am known of Him, let me say this: If it turns out that I am deceiving myself, then I’ll plead the blood of Christ all the way to hell!  I have no “plan B!”

 

 

Decisionism –vs- The Doctrines of Sovereign Grace

 

Speaking of deception, although I had been delivered from the hocus-pocus in the Catholic Church, and although the grass is greener on this side of the hill, it still has some weeds in it!  One of the most pernicious of those weeds is, in the opinion of many, “Arminiansim,” which in a nutshell, teaches that God’s sovereignty is limited when it comes to the area of man’s so called “free will,” but…

 

…what is the will?  If you look it up in the dictionary, you will find it is one of the powers of the mind—the “power of choice.”  Other powers of the mind include the power of reason, the power of memory, etc.  The will is the power to choose.  Now does the will just independently, capriciously make choices?  That would be nonsense.  Man always chooses that which is consistent with his mind, his nature, his heart.  And what is the condition of the natural man’s mind, or nature, or heart?  His mind is blinded by Satan lest the light of the gospel should shine in to him (II Corinthians 4:4).  He is by nature the child of wrath (Ephesians 2:3).  His heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9).  How is a man in that state ever going to “choose Christ” on his own, unless God first does for him what he is not able to do for himself?  Jesus himself addressed this question: “Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.”

 

Consider the issue of God limiting his sovereignty when it comes to man.  Can he be God and not God at the same time?  That would be absurd.  On the contrary, the scriptures declare with no uncertainty that “the heart of the king is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water, he turns it withersoever he will” (Proverbs 27:1).  Does that sound like a God whose sovereignty is limited in any way when it comes to man or any of his faculties?  God “works all things after the counsel of his own will” (Ephesians 1:11)—not some things, or most things, but all things.

 

Arminians complain that the idea of God tampering with some men’s free wills is “unfair.”  They think it unfair that God would choose one person and not another.  To many, the doctrine of God’s absolute sovereignty conjures up the notion of men knocking on heaven’s door, begging to get in, and God saying, “okay, you can come in, and you, but not you, or you…”  The biblical truth is that the whole race is running to get away from God.  “There is none righteous, no, not one,” and notice this: “there is none that seeketh after God” (Romans 3:10,11).  The biblical truth is, if he were “fair,” he would cast us all into hell, but in his sovereign grace, he reaches down and plucks some “like brands from the fire.”

 

Arminians object: “what about the ‘whosoever wills’ of the Bible?”  They reason: “God would not invite us to come to him in faith if we were not able.”  Augustine’s answer from the 4th century still applies today: “God bids us do things we are not able in order that we may know what things we have need to ask of him in prayer!”

 

I have had Arminian preachers tell me that they actually—kind of “secretly”—believe in election, predestination, and effectual grace, but that they would never preach these because such knowledge might diminish the zeal of the soul-winners in their congregations!  In other words, it’s best to keep them ignorant, is that right?  Actually, if the Lord is not able to overcome man’s resistance to the gospel, then the legitimate question to ask is “why preach the gospel at all?” for the Bible clearly declares the inability of the natural man to receive anything “except it be given him from above” (John 3:27; I  Corinthians 2:14).  It has been well-said that, far from discouraging us, the truth of God’s absolute sovereignty ought to fill our hearts with encouragement and zeal to go forth and declare the gospel of redeeming grace, knowing that the Chief Shepherd is able to seek, find, rescue, and bring his wandering sheep safely to the fold!

 

Although Arminianism was condemned as heresy at the Synod of Dort in 1619, it is the reigning paradigm of thought in mainstream Christianity today.  It is also Rome’s position.

 

“Decisionism,” is Arminianism in action.  “Decisionists” see God as merely making salvation possible, and from there he waits to respond to those who make the right decision to accept or reject His offer.  A. W. Pink, in his classic work, The Sovereignty of God, wrote: “To say that the sinner’s salvation turns upon the action of his own will, is another form of the God-dishonoring dogma of salvation by human efforts.”  It’s either by grace, or it’s by works, but it cannot be both (Romans 11).  Well-known Decisionists of our day include men like Billy Graham (“The Hour of Decision”), Jerry Falwell, and Adrian Rogers.  The Lord, in his providence, allowed me the opportunity to personally debate this issue twice with Adrian many years ago.  I don’t think I won him over, but I suspect that he and Jerry both have probably changed their views by now!

 

From the very start of my walk with Christ, I became painfully aware of “Decisionists,” using all sorts of slick tactics to win “converts,” and assuring them that their salvation is secure because they have walked the aisle to the front of the church in response to some crafty preacher’s altar call, or because they have recited someone else’s prayer in which they “let Jesus come into their hearts.”  I thought I had been delivered from ritualism when I left the Catholic Church, but here it was again in a different guise.  Since the scripture plainly states that “it is not of him who wills, nor of him who runs, but of God who shows mercy” (Romans 9:16), it became very difficult for Beverly and me to find a church we could call home.  We spent 3 years looking for a church where they believed as Jonah did that “Salvation is of the Lord.”

 

Please don’t get me wrong.  This is not to say that there are not people who genuinely love the Lord in churches where the gospel preaching is less than precisely accurate.  In fact, if perfect doctrine is required to be right with God, then we are all in trouble!  But on the other hand, it is a disgrace to see the gospel willfully perverted, or to see “success” in soul winning hinge largely on the ability of the evangelist to manipulate people.  It is also dangerous to assure a man that his eternal destiny has been settled merely because he has made a verbal profession of faith.  Jesus said there will be many who will come to him in that day professing Christ, to whom he will say, “I never knew you.  Depart from me, ye that work iniquity” (Matthew 7:23).

 

As my exasperation with “Decisionism” continued, I got to know an elderly theology professor at Mid South Bible College named Paul Davidson.  We called him our beloved “Brother D.”  He was always asking questions like, “For whom did Christ die?...What was the intent of the atonement?”  I began to wrestle with issues like, “Did Calvary really secure the salvation of anyone?  Or did it merely make salvation possible, leaving man’s decision as his ultimate hope?”  Then one day, one of my fellow students showed me John 17:9, where Jesus, the night before he went to the cross, in his high-priestly prayer, “prayed not for the world, but for those whom the Father had given him out of the world.”  He began to expound unto me the “Doctrines of Sovereign Grace.”

 

I went on to learn that truths like election, predestination, foreknowledge, and sovereign grace were not some “cruel, dangerous doctrines” as some say, but rather, that these are blessed truths that highly exalt the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, and provide the only real hope to otherwise hopeless sinners.  I found the Scriptures to be consistent:

The Father has chosen his sheep in love before the foundation of the world. (Eph 1)

The Good Shepherd gave his life for his sheep. (John 10)

The Holy Spirit seeks them, finds them, rescues them, and brings them safely to the fold. (Luke 15)

“Alleluia, for the Lord God omnipotent reigneth” (Revelation 19:6).  Notice He is omnipotent—not somewhat potent, or even mostly potent, but omni potent!  Why would anyone want it any other way?

 

With reference to the “Doctrines of Grace,” the famous Charles Spurgeon said, “I can remember the day and the hour when these truths were burned as a hot iron into my soul, and how I felt I had grown on a sudden from a babe to a man.”  Hey, I had the same experience!  I learned that these are the glorious truths embraced down through the ages by many of the great pillars of the faith—men like Augustine, Martin Luther, John Calvin, John Bunyan, John Owen, Charles Spurgeon, Jonathan Edwards, George Whitfield, A. W. Pink, and many others.  Well-known sovereign grace believers of our day include R. C. Sproul and John MacArthur.  I began to see what was behind a lot of the slick tactics of many Decisionists.

 

Once we knew what we were looking for, it did not take long for Beverly and me to find a church where these things were preached and practiced.  It was called Maranatha Church in Memphis.  We joined in 1977, and I have served for a number of years there as a deacon.  Today it is called Grace Bible Church, of Olive Branch, Mississippi.  The pastor is Mark Webb, and, O my,…the things of God I have learned from that man over the years....

 

 

“…and whosoever will, let him come, and take the water of life freely.”

 (Revelation 22:17)

 

And so, I lived happily ever after, right?  Well, not exactly.  Like all Christians, I do have the joy of the Lord, but being a Christian doesn’t exempt you from tribulation.  In fact, it guarantees it!  “We must, through much tribulation, enter the kingdom of God.”  I’ve had a little bit of that.  My family’s problems in recent years have been so sad, but that’s another story.  But I am confident that “he who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.”  I could go on and on with accounts of answered prayers and other blessing from the Lord over the years, but the time would fail me.

 

I trust that the reader realizes that my testimony is not the “gospel.”  It is the subjective story of the providential work of God in my life, leading me to embrace the objective gospel of his Son.  My testimony cannot save anyone.  It is the gospel which is “the power of God unto salvation.”  Perhaps my testimony will wet the appetite of some to seek Christ and to drink of that “living water” which he promised.  Hopefully, my conversion illustrates the nature of saving faith, which results when God opens men’s blinded eyes to see the need to abandon all hope in their own righteousness, and rest solely in the righteousness of Christ.

 

Let me leave you with this thought: there is no plan of salvation that saves sinners, only the man of salvation, Jesus Christ.  “HE THAT HATH THE SON HATH LIFE; and HE THAT HATH NOT THE SON OF GOD HATH NOT LIFE” (I John 5:12).  Salvation is in a person: Jesus Christ.  It’s not in any religion, sacrament, ritual, ceremony, creed, anything, or anyone, other than this person, Jesus Christ.  Why?  Because only this person did always those things that please the Father.  It is only this person with whom the Father is well pleased.  Only this person gave his life a ransom for many.  Only this person was raised from the dead, and ascended into glory.  It is only this person to whom all power is given in heaven and in earth.  Only this person sits on the throne of glory saying, “Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”  No one else can say that—not the pope, or Mary, or Mohammed, or Allah, or Buddha, or anyone else—except this person.  “He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life.”  Will you be converted as a little child and come to him?

 

You may be a “good person” in your estimation, thinking you don’t need conversion.  If so, I urge you to consider: Jesus came “not to call the righteous.”  You may be such a sinner that you think you’ve gone beyond God’s grace.  If so, read on: he came “not to call the righteous, but sinners.”  But read it all: he came “not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance” (Luke 5:32).

 

You may be a young unconverted person—young or old; it doesn’t matter—thinking my story is entertaining, or perhaps concluding that you can enjoy the pleasures of sin now and then “get right with God” later, when you are good and ready.  But what if today is your “day of visitation?”  What if, after today, God gives you over to your sin?  Did you know that every day that you go unconverted in life is another day for your stony heart to grow a little stonier, a little colder, until eventually you can become so “holden with the cords of your own iniquities,” that, like Esau, you can’t repent, though you seek it diligently with tears?  The scripture says, “Remember now thy creator in the days of thy youth, before the evil days come”.

 

You may be asking, “What do I do?”  In a word, the gospel message is clear: cast yourself before God’s throne of grace and plead the blood of Jesus Christ to cover your sin.  Well, how do you get there?  Let me suggest the same way the leper from Galilee got there: by kneeling down before him, worshipping him, and beseeching him, saying, “Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean.”  Who can tell?  Perhaps he would be pleased to say to you the same words he said to that leper: “I will.  Be thou clean.”  You see, the Pharisees were right about Jesus: “this man receiveth sinners.”  Hallelujah, what a Saviour!

 

Let me sign off the same way the Bible does, with the most awesome invitation ever known to man.  I trust that someday, when I’m dead and gone, that Beverly will engrave it on my tombstone: “…and whosoever will, let him come, and take the water of life freely.” (Rev 22:17)