From Darkness
to Light
The testimony of my
conversion to Christ
By James Barry Godwin
Why am I sharing my
testimony? I’d like to think it is
purely to honor the Lord Jesus Christ, and to glorify God’s patience,
providence, and grace. But the heart can
be so deceitful that I fear other motives may be at work in me like pride, and
the desire to impress people. So do I
just sit down and shut up until I’m sure my motives are perfectly pure? Or do I cry out with Paul, “O wretched man
that I am! Who shall deliver me from the
body of this death?” And the answer is:
“I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord.”
From
a Jacob to an
I was born April 12, 1947
in
We had a fairly large
family. I had 2 brothers, 1 sister, and
2 half sisters. I was more or less a
“prodigal son.” While the others all finished
college on time and started their careers, I “wasted a lot of my substance with
riotous living.”
I have titled my story
“From Darkness to Light,” but in some ways, it could have been called “From a
Jacob to an
I identified with Jacob in
a lot of ways. I was a pool hustler of sorts;
a card shark. Was I a wimp like Jacob
was? Well, I’m sure glad the Scripture
says “not many wise…, not many mighty…, not many noble…are called; but God has
chosen the foolish things…, the weak things…, the base things…, the things
which are despised…, and the things which are not…that no flesh should glory in
his presence” (I Corinthians 1).
Jacob would plot and scheme
to exalt himself. I was cut from a
similar cloth. I wasted a lot of time in
my youth trying to be king on the mountain.
One of the great benefits of being a Christian is being delivered from
the kingdom of Satan where they scratch
and claw to be number one, into the
kingdom of Christ where he that is least
of all and servant of all is greatest
of all. This is one of the great secrets
to life!
If
this is Christianity, I don’t need it!
My mom was Catholic and my
dad was Episcopalian. So, of course, I
was raised Catholic. Although I looked with awe, and still do, at
the old Gothic cathedrals, the stained glass windows, the classic works of art,
and the choirs singing in Latin, the Catholic religion, as well as all
religions, seemed like mostly a waste of time to me.
They made me an altar boy
when I was about 10 years old. I was
scheduled to serve 6:30AM mass one week.
On Monday morning of that week I arrived at school about 8:00AM. The nun who taught our class was steaming
with anger. She stood me up in front of
the whole class and, with a voice that could shatter glass, made the point that
I had nothing more important to do in all of life than to serve mass. She asked me why I wasn’t there on time. I said, “I forgot”. She said, “Oh, you forgot, did you? Are you
going to be on time tomorrow?” I said,
“Well, Sister, I don’t know. You see, my
dad is taking me to the wrestling matches tonight, so I’ll be up late,
and...” If she’d had a gun, she might
have shot me on the spot!
Not all the nuns were as
crusty as she was. One in particular,
Sister Mary Stephanie, will always have a special place in my heart. She was so calm and peaceful, sweet and
smart—a virtuous woman in many ways. I
loved her. She taught us for 3 straight
years. I suppose she had some influence
on our decision later in life to name our only daughter “Stephanie.”
But all in all, by the time
I became a young man, I had pretty much rejected as unprofitable most of the
Catholic system of priests, masses, rosaries, relics, indulgences, purgatory,
etc. I would like to be able to say I
saw through it because I understood Ephesians chapter 2: we are saved “by grace, through faith, and that not of
ourselves, not of works...” But the
fact is, I had never even heard of the book of Ephesians, much less read
it. I pretty much just lumped
Catholicism in with all other religions as a waste of time.
I attended
I enrolled in a Catholic
Jesuit college in
“…Whosoever
committeth sin is the servant of sin.” (John 8:34)
By the time I had become a
young man, I thought I was free as a bird—free
from religion, free from God, free from his laws. Free?
O my, how deceptive sin can be!
I got arrested for writing
my own amphetamine prescriptions in
I got arrested for
shoplifting in
I was drafted for the war
in
Because of the shame and
sadness, it is probably best not to even speak of some of the things I did in
those dark days. Talk about regrets…
“The
Son of Man is come to seek and to save that which is lost.” (Luke 19:10)
Why did God set his love on
me? What made him decide to seek out a
sinner like me? I don’t know, but I do
know this: the year was 1969, I was 22 years of age, and he started drawing me
to himself like a moth to the light.
I was in a laundromat in
They promised me that if I
would pray with them, God would reveal Himself to me. I said, “Right here and now?” They said, “Yes, right here and now.” I said, “Well, I want to see this.” So we all got
down on our knees there in the middle of the laundromat—people walking by,
probably thinking we’re all a bunch of kooks—and they prayed for me that God
would reveal Himself to me. When we
finished, I looked up, hoping to see God or at least an angel standing in front
of me. I said, “Well…, where is
He?” They said, “Don’t you feel Him?” I said, “Oh, come on. You promised me I
would see Him. Where is He?
See, He doesn’t really exist.
You’re just like all the other religious phonies I’ve ever met.”
A few days later, the
husband came to see me at the local bank where I was working. I still remember the humble look on his
face. It was evident to me because it was
in such sharp contrast to the look of arrogance and pride I was so used to
seeing on the faces of most of the people I hung out with. He put a little pocket sized New Testament in
my teller’s drawer and told me they were all praying for me at his church. I thought to myself, “Well, if you want to
waste your time praying for me, and your money buying me Bibles, so be it.”
I had never had a Bible in
my hands before that I could remember. I
certainly had never read one. I’m
thinking, “What am I going to do with this?”
I took it into the break room and told everyone the story. We were all having a big time mocking and
laughing when one woman burst my balloon in an instant. She confidently declared, “Well, Barry, I
believe the Bible!” I could see that she
was serious. She went on: “If the Bible
is not the word of God, then how come everything it has ever prophesied has
come true?” I said, “It has?” I’d never heard anything like that
before. It cut me to the quick. Still, I managed to put all that on the back
burner and continue my life of sin.
The
“hound of heaven”
Society was going through
some dramatic changes in the late 1960’s.
There was sexual revolution, cultural revolution, political revolution,
just to name a few. There was also in those
days, what could well be described as a special visitation of the Spirit of God
in this country. It may or may not be
accurate to describe it as a time of true revival, but I do know a lot of
people were professing faith in Christ back then, and though many were like the
dog who returns to his vomit again, or like the sow that was washed to its
wallowing in the mire, there were some who are still serving the Lord to this
day. I also know this: that first
witness, in that laundromat in
My nephew had recently had
some kind of spiritual experience. He
called it “getting saved”. I had never
heard of anything like that before. He
told me I was living for the devil. I
didn’t say anything. I just looked at
him and thought to myself, “You know, he’s right.”
Still, I continued to seek
the pleasures of sin as much as possible and then, here came the Hound of Heaven
again. Abusing drugs was having a
negative effect on my nerves, to say the least.
I had tried lots of remedies but nothing worked. So I decided to pray as a last resort. Other than that time in the laundromat, I
don’t know that I had ever really prayed before. Immediately I felt a peace come over me
unlike anything I had ever experienced.
It was so dramatic that I thought maybe I had gotten “saved,” whatever
that was.
I had not gotten saved, but
something definitely was different from that moment on. I did not know it then, but it was what
theologians call the “pre-salvation work of the Holy Spirit.” Jesus said, “No man can come unto me except the Father, who hath sent me draw him…” (John 6:44). God had begun the process of drawing me.
I began to develop a
conscience which really threw a wrench into things! I would play pool, and if I’d win, sometimes
I’d give the money back. I had trouble
lying like I used to. It was
confusing. I even told some of my
“friends”—partners in sin and crime were more like it—that I was becoming “some
kind of Christian.” They did not seem
interested.
I was under “conviction of
sin,” but I had a long way to go before I was really ready to do business with
God. Although I had made some moves in
the right direction, gambling, drugs, and all manner of immoral behavior were
still the hallmarks of my life.
The “girlfriends” I had
could hardly be called that. If I was
interested in them, they’d dump me. If
they were interested in me, I’d dump them.
It was pretty pathetic.
“Beware
lest any man spoil you through vain philosophy and vain deceit, after the
traditions of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.” (
The wages of sin were
beginning to catch up with me. I became
confused, lonely, and depressed. I had
thoughts of throwing in the towel, but, I thought, “what if there really is a
hell?” Between the years of 1967 to
1973, I went to 2 psychologists, 3 psychiatrists, and 3 priests for counseling
trying to figure out why I was so unhappy?
And how do I put the pieces of the puzzle together? And why I couldn’t find somebody to love?
Now I know that psychology
and psychiatry have their places, but these were my experiences:
One of the psychiatrists
was a devout atheist. One of the
psychologists suggested I try reading more pornography. If the 3 priests weren’t perverts, they sure
acted like it—same for another one of the psychiatrists. One psychologist did suggest I study the
lives of great men in history—not bad advice.
And one psychiatrist did suggest I try going to church—not bad
advice. But not one of them seemed even
remotely aware of my greatest problem: how
was a hell-deserving sinner like me ever going to be made righteous in the
sight of a holy God?
To tell you the truth, the
atheist probably made the most astute observation of them all. He said, “You’re looking for some sweet young
all-American girl to be your wife, and yet you’re a rat, a con-man. You don’t have a career or even a job other
than selling dope and gambling. You
can’t offer her any security. Why should
she be interested in you?” It cut me
like a knife.
One night I got beat up by
some thug from a pool hall. I asked that
same psychiatrist “why do things like this keep happening to me?” He said, “what do you expect from the places
you go and the kind of people you hang out with?” How was I going to argue with that?
“…lest
the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should
shine unto them.”(II Corinthians 4:4)
One night in 1973 a really
startling wake-up call was sent to me from a most unexpected source. I was selling some marijuana to three
“customers” when suddenly from behind me I heard the chilling sound of a
trigger cocking and felt the barrel of a pistol at the back of my neck as they
proceeded to rob me. The guy’s hand was
trembling. He kept saying, “I’m gonna’
blow this cracker’s head off.” I’m
wondering what it’s going to be like to be snapped into eternity, and to stand
before the Judge of all the earth. The darkness I saw in their eyes that night made an impression on me
that I would never forget.
I did not know it then, but
I had begun to understand by experience something of the biblical principles of
light and darkness. Light and darkness
in scripture are usually metaphors for truth and falsehood, but in a way that
may require more eloquence to describe than I can offer, they are sometimes—if
I may say it this way—spiritual realities we can virtually “see” in life. I also did not know it then, but the issues
of light and darkness are no minor themes in scripture:
·
“The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light” (Isaiah 9:2).
·
“Light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light”
(John 3:19).
·
“…the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God,
should shine unto them” (II Corinthians 4:4).
·
“The light of the body is the eye… (Matthew 6:22).
·
“…the praises of him who
hath called you out of darkness into
his marvelous light” (I Peter 2:9).
·
And a whole host of other
like statements.
Actually, I was becoming
obsessed with 3 issues in life: God, love, and this issue of
light-and-darkness. The hound of heaven
was after me more so than ever. Gospel
messengers were coming to me from what seemed like “out of the woodwork.” Just to mention a few:
* Two of my
old friends had gotten “saved,” what ever that was. They took me to an evangelistic meeting. It was probably the first time I had been in
a church in years. I went forward at the
invitation. I asked the evangelist, “Why
should I quit selling marijuana?”
Without any hesitation he answered, “Because the Bible says to obey the
laws of the land.” Wow! I had never met anyone who could quote the
Bible and apply it to my life like that!
The sword of the Lord just pierced into my soul! I will probably never forget that simple
encounter.
* I was
walking into a bar one night, and out front was one of my old high school
friends with a Bible in his hand telling me that Jesus Christ is “the way, the
truth, and the life.” There was a
brightness to his countenance I had never seen before.
* I went to
play golf and who did I get pared with but John Bramlett?—the ex All-Pro NFL
linebacker. John’s recent conversion to
Christ was the talk of the town. I was
full of questions. He was more than
willing to try to answer every one. What
a “coincidence,” huh?
* One day I
was just standing at a gas pump, filling my car, when a young man comes by with
a Bible in his hand and starts telling me “Jesus loves me.” I’m thinking, “Is there a conspiracy going on
here, or what?”
* One day I
was walking down the street, contemplating the existence of God, as usual, and
thinking, “I wonder what is really going on here with all these people telling
me of a God in heaven who loves me.
Could it really be true? But even
if it is, how do I know Jesus Christ is the only way to him?” At precisely that instant, church bells from
a grand old Anglican cathedral across the street began ringing. What a “coincidence,” huh?
* A most
astonishing event took place one night in T.G.I. Friday’s at
(You may be
thinking, “It was probably just paranoia.
How does he know those guys were cops?”
I’m glad you asked. Allow me to
fast forward about a year into the future from that night. By then I was truly converted, out of the
marijuana business, and working as a night auditor at the Holiday Inn, when one
of those same 2 men walked into the lobby.
I recognized him instantly. I
said, “you’re a policeman, aren’t you?”
He said, “how did you know?” I
reminded him of that night in Friday’s,
and that I had since become a Christian.
He admitted that, yes, he was working Metro-Narcotics at that bar at
that time. Amazing!)
“For
God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our
hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of
Jesus Christ.” (II Corinthians 4:6)
I hung out at night at the
bars at
At that time God was
sending these “Jesus freaks” there to
I would often talk to one
young man from the Sonshine Inn, who, like me, had lived a life of sin, but he
had been converted, and his life had changed.
I told him I thought maybe I had already been “converted,” but I knew
deep inside that he had something I didn’t have. I would have long conversations with him on
the sidewalks of
I began going to the
Catholic cathedral that I attended as a child, but not for services. I would go during the middle of the day when
no one else was there so I could have the place all to myself to pray. I would like to be able to say I was praying
for God to ransom me from my sin, but to be honest, mostly I was praying for
him put all the pieces of this crazy puzzle together for me and to send me a
good woman to love. But at least I was
praying, which is quite a development for someone who not long before
considered himself an atheist and mocked the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I had a little pocket-sized
New Testament that someone had given me along the way. It may have been the same one that the man in
Loneliness, depression,
confusion, and the issues of God, love, light and darkness were pressing harder
on me. I thought if I didn’t find some
answers soon I was just going to throw in the towel. And then came August 25, 1973—my appointed
day. I walked into T.G.I. Friday’s about
lunchtime, thinking “what am I doing spending day after day and night after
night in this place of darkness?” Just
then the music began to play a country & western song that was popular at
the time:
Lord, help me, Jesus.
I’ve wasted it,
So help me, Jesus.
My soul’s in your hands…
Another one of those
strange coincidences, huh?
I left, but came back that
evening. The darkness in everyone there
just seemed overwhelming to me. But how
come I could see it while others could not?
And why are they in darkness anyway?
And why aren’t they desperately searching for a way out of it like I
am? It was as if I were in the midst of
the walking dead. The situation seemed
so hopeless. Little did I know that I
was just minutes away from knowing the answers to these questions.
I had this conversation
with myself:
“Doesn’t anyone in this bar have the light of God
in him? Surely someone, somewhere….” But the answer was a disappointing,
disheartening “No!” “Well God’s light must be in someone, somewhere. What about those
‘Jesus Freaks’ out there on the sidewalk?
Do they have it? If so, am I
willing to forsake all like they have? I
don’t know if I am or not, but I know I can’t go on living like this any
longer. What if there is no light in
them either? Then I guess I’ll just
die! I have GOT to know the truth at any cost!”
I practically ran out the
door to the sidewalk. I didn’t know what
the answer was going to be, but I was desperate
to find out! I had finally
come to the end of myself!
A young man was out there
with a Bible in his hand, sharing the gospel with a young girl. What was I going to see in him? I just butted in between them, and as I did,
the Lord allowed the light to come on in my mind! It may not have been as bright as the one the
Apostle Paul saw on the road to
The questioning, the wondering,
the searching was all over in an instant.
I was “born again,” just as the scripture says, though I did not know as
yet what that meant. In the short
distance from that bar to that sidewalk, I had stepped from the kingdom of darkness and entered the kingdom of light!
I realized that God’s
all-powerful and all-loving hand of providence had been orchestrating every
event in my life at every turn to bring me to that sidewalk at that
moment. I was overwhelmed at his patience with me for all those years. I was very conscious of the fact that God had
done something for me that I could never have done for myself. The Lord “opened my heart to attend unto the
things of the gospel.”
To what things of the
gospel did I attend? I wish I could say
I understood something of the atoning work of Christ: that he had paid the
penalty for my sins as my substitute on
The young man’s name turned
out to be Johnny. I didn’t know what
else to say to him except: “You’ve got the power of God in you.” He said, “What, are you mocking me?” I said, “No, and now I’ve got it in me!” We both just looked at each other…neither of
us speaking for a moment…he was sizing me up.
Then he suddenly asked, “May I pray for you?” I said, “Sure.” I can still remember his prayer quite
well. He asked God to release me and set
me free from the power of sin and Satan.
I remember thinking as he prayed, “This is a nice prayer, but he’s just
a little late. God has already set me
free about 2 minutes ago!”
When we finished praying
and I opened my eyes, I felt like a prisoner who had just been set free from
jail. I felt clean. I felt new.
I felt alive. I had never been
that happy before in my whole life!
I noticed some of my
friends and acquaintances passing by. I
was suddenly pressed with the reality that they were just walking the plank
into hell—the same plank from which I had just been snatched! I don’t know that I had ever given the
subject of hell a whole lot of serious thought before now. But my, how all that changed in an
instant! I wanted to stop them all and
tell them the good news, “Hey, I’ve found the way of escape out of the sin and
the darkness. It’s wonderful. It’s glorious.” I did try telling some of them, but it was
clear they were not interested.
“He
that believeth on the Son of God hath the witness in himself…” (I John 5:6)
I went home and picked up
my little pocket-sized New Testament.
The epistle of 1st John looked like as good a place as any to
start. It was as though a light was
shining down from heaven on the pages as I read that “God is light, and in Him is no darkness
at all.” Then
I read, “God is love.” Wow!
It was about all the things that I had been consumed with for the last 4
years. I was just amazed. I didn’t know the Bible has stuff like this
in it! What a joy when I got to chapter
5 and read, “…God hath given to us
eternal life, and this life is in his Son…he that hath the Son hath life...” The Bible had always been a mysterious closed
book to me, but no more. When I got the
last verse, “Little children, keep your
selves from idols, Amen,” it was as personal as if the Lord had
hand-written the letter himself, and addressed it to me!
(By the way, I might have
chosen any book of the Bible to start.
Was I just lucky to happen to
open up to 1st John? I trust
it is not necessary to dignify that question with an answer!)
It was partly sunny the
next day. I felt like, if I could just
roll back the clouds, there would be Christ himself, seated on his throne,
watching his new child. I wanted to sing,
but did not know any Christian songs or hymns, other than “The
I wanted to tell somebody
what had happened. By now I thought I could
pretty well determine whether or not people were Christians just by looking
into their eyes. I went up to one guy
who seemed to have a nice look on his face and some light in his eyes. I said, “Are you a Christian?” He said, “Well,…uhhhh…, yeah.” I introduced myself, shook his hand and said,
“Well, I am too. I just thought we ought
to get to know each other since we’re going to be spending eternity together!” He looked at me like I was crazy! I decided maybe I better contain my
enthusiasm somewhat until I can find somebody who can relate to me. I got in my car and drove up and down
“The
entrance of thy words giveth light.” (Psalm
119:130)
Shortly after my
conversion, I told my mother I needed to get myself a “real” Bible. She asked me what kind of a Bible? I didn’t know there was more than one kind. She said, “Maybe you should get a King James
Bible.” I didn’t know what she was
talking about. In the meantime, I joined
a
I asked my friends at the
Sonshine Inn where I should start reading in my new Bible. They suggested the book of Romans. So I went home and read it through that
night. I did not understand a lot of it,
but I did understand some of it. I can
still remember getting to the 9th chapter and reading about election
and the absolute sovereignty of God for the first time. Wow!
What a contrast there is between the pathetic, impotent picture of God
often painted in the minds and maudlin sentiments of the typical modern day
religionist and the thrice holy God of Scripture, who has mercy on whom he will
have mercy, and whom he will he hardens!
“Whoso
finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains the favor of the Lord.” (Proverbs
18:22)
Beverly and I became good
friends. We saw each other at church at
lot, and often rode to church together.
I became good friends with her mom and dad too. The more I got know
It was quite different from
a typical engagement in our society. I
had read in the Bible in I Corinthians chapter 7 that it is “good for a man not
to touch a woman…nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let them marry.” I figured that meant to keep my cotton-pickin’ hands off until we were married! We didn’t even hardly hold hands until we
were married! That may sound a little
unusual in our society, but I can tell you this: it was a sweet honeymoon! Well, actually, the honeymoon isn’t over yet;
although from time to time we’ve had to put it on hold because of Bev’s
problems in recent years, but we won’t go into those.
We have one daughter,
Stephanie, born in 1979. We always
wanted more children, but O my, what a blessing that girl has been. Stephanie also developed some serious
problems as she grew up, but we won’t go into those either. We have two sweet grandchildren, Noah and
Savanna.
“…and
I will restore unto you the years that the locust hath eaten.” (Joel 2:25)
I attended Mid
I have been invited to
teach or preach once in a while over the years, but I don’t think I will ever
be called thereto. But what a privilege
it is for Christians to be “ambassadors for Christ.” And what a responsibility Christians have to
warn the wicked of God’s wrath and of the way of escape.
I wound up in the insurance
industry. The time would fail me to tell
of how God has blessed me as an independent health care insurance broker.
I
aint what I oughta’ be, and I aint what I’m gonna’ be, but praise God, I aint
what I was!
The old Puritans used to
say, “We are saved by faith alone, but the faith that saves is never
alone.” It is the result of the “new birth”
(John 3); which then results in being “made alive” (Ephesians 2), and in
receiving a “new heart” (Ezekiel 36), and in becoming a “new creature” (II
Corinthians 5). We are saved by grace,
through faith, not of works, but we are “created in Christ Jesus unto good works” (Ephesians 2). Every Christian, to one degree or another, is
being “changed from glory to glory into the image of God’s Son” (II Corinthians
3); and, if not, then what grounds is there for assurance that one is in Christ
at all?
So, it seems like a good
idea to share some of the evidences that I have indeed been born again. However, it is kind of a scary
proposition. In fact, I have considered
omitting completely this part of my story for fear that I might sound like I am
boasting on myself rather than in Christ.
You’ll just have to take my word for it that such is not the case. (Do I hear someone whispering, “Yeah, right,
tell me another one?” I heard that!)
Another concern is the
growing trend in evangelical circles to focus on people’s changed lives as if
they were the gospel. While changed
lives are important, they are not the gospel.
It is the gospel of Jesus
Christ which is the “power of God unto salvation” (Romans 1:16).
But on the other hand, the “Carnal
Christian” mentality is rampant in our society; i.e., the notion that we can
“take Jesus as savior without bowing to him as Lord.” The “Carnal Christian,” even though he may be
living like the devil, has been assured he is bound for glory because he has
walked the isle during an altar call, or prayed the right prayer, or been
baptized, or some such thing. It is a
dangerous heresy.
So, having said all that,
let me proceed with caution.
I knew “intuitively” from
the very start of my walk with Christ that my days as a Roman Catholic were
over. Back then, I may not have been
able to give a very eloquent answer as to how I knew that. Today, I would simply ask: what need was
there for some man, who is just as big a sinner as I am, to be my priest, when
I now have direct access by prayer and faith to The Great High Priest? What good can come from the offering of daily
sacrifices “which can never take away sins,” especially when Christ “by one
offering has perfected for ever them that are sanctified” (Hebrews 10:
11,14)? Catholics have no good answers
to these types of questions.
I also knew “intuitively”
from the start what I later discovered is clearly taught in Scripture: “out of
the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”
My language changed instantly. Whereas I used to routinely blaspheme that
holy name whereby we are called, now I love to sing praises to it. Whereas I used to cuss like a sailor, now I
just cringe when I hear foul
language. I can’t count the number of
times over the years I’ve warned people that we are not allowed to use
profanity out here (“out here on this planet”).
I’ve had more than one get angry at me about it. People don’t like to have their righteousness
insulted, but Jesus said, “…every idle word that men shall speak, they shall
give account thereof in the day of judgment, for by thy words thou shalt be
justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned” (Matthew 12: 34-37).
There was just no desire
for marijuana or any other illegal drugs any more. To this day, I will hardly even take an
aspirin unless I’m in pretty bad shape.
When I am offered a cup of coffee, my standard reply is, “no
thanks. I got off of drugs when I got
saved!"
I called a metro-narcotics
detective that I had met a few times at various hangouts over the years. For some reason he had always been friendly
to me. I told him I suspected they were
closing in on me, and, if he would, please tell them to back off, because it’s
all over…I’ve gotten saved, and I’m out of the dope business! He admitted they were closing in on me. He was rejoicing with me on the phone at my
conversion to Christ. He said he was a
Christian himself. It was great.
I got a job and quit
gambling. You’ll search the Bible in
vain for a verse that says “thou shalt not gamble.” But what you will find are statements like
“beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God….” How am I going to obey the commandment to
love one another if I’m trying to beat you out of your paycheck?
I gained a whole new set of
friends who believed the gospel. I have
no idea what happened to most of my old acquaintances. There were some from whom I had to ask
forgiveness and make amends. There are
others from whom I would like to ask forgiveness, but I wouldn’t even know
where to find them. I asked my mom’s and
dad’s forgiveness for all the trouble I had caused them over the years.
I had acquired quite a
collection of Rock ‘n Roll music albums over the years. One day I just gathered them all up and just
dropped them in a dumpster. The vain
philosophies of the world had spoiled me long enough. Some years later I won a whole set of Beatles
albums in a radio give away, but I never listen to them.
I went to enlist in the
army, wanting in a small way to make up for my reckless past. The recruiter ran a background check on
me. It came up clean. That was before the age of computers. He said all I have to do to enlist is say
“no” to the questions regarding ever having used or abused illegal drugs. I figured if I had to lie, then the Lord must
not want me there.
Whereas I had spent most of
my life lying, and trying to con people, now there was an affinity for truth—to
want to tell the truth, and to want to know the truth.
Now that I had a new heart,
I was able to understand the gospel. The
great doctrines of the faith which (a) I had never even heard of before, and
(b) even if I had, would not have made any difference to me, now began to
thrill my soul. I can still remember it
so clearly, one Sunday afternoon, not long after coming to Christ: I was
listening to a radio sermon on the subject of “imputation,” when suddenly the
glory light came on for me again, and I saw that my sin was imputed to Christ on Calvary, and his righteousness was
imputed to me when I came to him. It
has been well said that a lost man can see everything in the cross of Jesus
Christ that a saved man can, except for one thing: the glory. He can’t see the
glory. I began to see that glory and
still do to this day, only more so.
So, in describing some of the
blessings of being in Christ, do I sound like I now have it all together? It’s sort of a paradox. The longer I serve God, and the closer I draw
to him, the more I see the wickedness still present in my own heart: the pride,
the self-righteousness, the inclining to unbelief, the proneness to wander, the
vulnerability to the snares of the world, the flesh, the devil. The better I know him, the more culpable I am
for my unfaithfulness in prayer, for the tendency to murmur and forget the love
and mercy he has shown me. In short, I
find that “when I would do good, evil is present with me.”
So, what does the knowledge
of these things do for me? It protects
me from trusting my own heart. It
presses me to pray the more earnestly for deliverance from myself. It shows me the necessity of fleeing to Jesus
continually. Best of all, it reminds me
that it’s ALL of grace—from beginning to end.
“His strength is made perfect in weakness” (II Cor 12).
No, I don’t have it all
together, but I’ve got a sinless Savior who has it all together! May the words of this great old hymn be my
story:
Content to let the
world go by,
To know no gain or loss,
My sinful self my only shame,
My glory all the cross.
Arminianism,
Decisionism, and Grace
Although I have been delivered
from the hocus-pocus in the Catholic Church, and although the grass is greener
on this side of the hill, it still has plenty of weeds in it! One of those weeds is, in the opinion of
many, “Arminianism,” which in a nutshell, teaches that God’s sovereignty is
limited when it comes to the area of man’s so called “free will,” but…
…what is the will? If you look it up in the dictionary, you will
find it is one of the powers of the mind—the “power of choice.” Other powers of the mind include the power of
reason, the power of memory, etc. The
will is the power to choose. Now does
the will just independently, capriciously make choices? That would be nonsense. Man always chooses that which is consistent
with his mind, his nature, his heart.
And what is the condition of the natural man’s mind, or nature, or
heart? His “mind is blinded by Satan
lest the light of the gospel should shine in to him” (II Corinthians 4:4). He is “by nature
the child of wrath” (Ephesians 2:3). His
“heart is deceitful above all things
and desperately wicked” (Jeremiah 17:9).
How is a man in that state ever going to “choose Christ” unless God first does for him what he is not able to do for himself? Jesus said, “Except a man be born again, he cannot
see the
Consider the issue of God limiting his sovereignty when it comes
to man. Can he be God and not God at the
same time? That would be absurd. On the contrary, the Scriptures declare with
no uncertainty that “the heart of the king is in the hand of the Lord, as the
rivers of water, he turns it withersoever he will” (Proverbs 27:1). Does that sound like a God whose sovereignty
is limited in any way when it comes to man or any of his faculties? God “works all things after the counsel of his
own will” (Ephesians 1:11)—not some
things, or most things, but all things. Why would anyone want it any other way?
Arminians complain that the
idea of God tampering with some men’s free wills is “unfair.” They think it unfair that God would choose
one person and not another. To many, the
doctrine of God’s absolute sovereignty conjures up the notion of men knocking
on heaven’s door, begging to get in, and God saying, “okay, you can come in,
and you, but not you, or you…” The
biblical truth is that the whole race is running to get away from God. There is “none
that seeketh after God” (Romans 3:10,11). The Biblical truth is, if he were “fair,” he
would cast us all into hell, but in his loving, sovereign grace, he reaches
down and plucks some “like brands from the fire.”
Arminians object: “what
about the ‘whosoever wills’ of the Bible?”
They reason: “God would not invite us to come to him in faith if we were
not able.” But let the Arminian answer
this question: he commands us to obey his laws, doesn’t he? But are we able? Augustine’s answer from the 4th
century is still valid today: “God bids us do things we are not able in order
that we may know what things we have need to ask of him in prayer!”
I have had Arminian
preachers tell me that they actually—kind of “secretly”—believe in election, predestination, and effectual grace,
but that they would never preach these because such knowledge might diminish
the zeal of the soul-winners in their congregations! In other words, it’s best to keep them
ignorant, is that right? Actually, if
the Lord is not able to overcome man’s resistance to the gospel, then the
legitimate question to ask is “why preach the gospel at all?” for the Bible
clearly declares the inability of the natural man to receive anything “except
it be given him from above” (John 3:27; I
Corinthians 2:14). It has been
well-said that, far from discouraging us, the truth of God’s absolute
sovereignty ought to fill our hearts with encouragement and zeal to go forth
and declare the gospel of redeeming grace, knowing that the Chief Shepherd is
able to seek, find, rescue, and bring his wandering sheep safely to the fold!
Although Arminianism was
“officially” declared to be heresy at the Synod of
“Decisionism,” is
Arminianism in action. “Decisionists”
see God as merely making salvation possible,
and from there he waits to respond to those who make the right decision to accept or reject His offer. A. W. Pink, in his classic work, The
Sovereignty of God, wrote: “To say that the sinner’s salvation turns upon
the action of his own will, is
another form of the God-dishonoring dogma of salvation by human efforts.” It’s either by grace, or it’s by works, but
it cannot be both (Romans 11).
Well-known Decisionists of our day even include good men like Billy
Graham (“The Hour of Decision”), Jerry Falwell, and Adrian Rogers. I had the opportunity to personally debate
this issue twice with
From the very start of my
walk with Christ, I became painfully aware of “Decisionists,” using all sorts
of slick tactics to win “converts,” and assuring them that their salvation is
secure because they have walked the aisle to the front of the church in
response to some crafty preacher’s altar call, or because they have recited
someone else’s prayer in which they “let Jesus come into their hearts.” I thought I had been delivered from ritualism
when I left the Catholic Church, but here it was again in a different
guise. Since the scripture plainly
states that “it is not of him who wills,
nor of him who runs, but of God who shows mercy” (Romans 9:16), it became very difficult for Beverly and me to find
a church we could call home. We spent 3
years looking for a church where they believed as Jonah did that “Salvation is
of the Lord.”
Please don’t get me wrong;
I am not saying that Arminianism is “another gospel” which, if it were, would
be “anathema” (Galatians 1). There is
often enough truth in an Arminian gospel for a man to be saved. There are, no doubt, many people who
genuinely love the Lord in churches where the gospel preaching is less than
precisely accurate. In fact, if perfect
doctrine were required to be right with God, then we would all be in trouble! But on
the other hand, it is a disgrace to see the gospel willfully perverted, or to
see “success” in soul winning hinge largely on the ability of the evangelist to
manipulate people. It is also dangerous
to assure a man that his eternal destiny has been settled merely because he has
made a verbal profession of
faith. There will be many who will come
to Christ in that day expecting to be admitted into the kingdom, to whom he
will say those awful words: “I never knew you.
Depart from me, ye that work iniquity” (Matthew 7:23).
As my exasperation with
“Decisionism” continued, I got to know an elderly theology professor at Mid
I began to learn that
truths like election, predestination, and foreknowledge were not some “cruel,
dangerous doctrines” as some say, but rather, that these are all Biblical words
that highly exalt the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, and provide the only real
hope to otherwise hopeless
sinners. I found that the Trinity works
in harmony in the salvation of men:
While the
Father has a general love for all
mankind (John 3:16), only his children have been “predestined in him before the
foundation of the world” for his special,
electing, saving love (Eph 1).
While the
cross was sufficient to accomplish
“propitiation for the sins of the whole world” (I John 2:2), effectually, “the Good Shepherd giveth
his life for the sheep” (John 10).
While the
Holy Spirit calls “many” to come to Christ, “few” are chosen. It is only the sheep, not the goats, which he
seeks, finds, rescues, and brings safely to the fold (Luke 15).
“Alleluia,
for the Lord God omnipotent reigneth” (Revelation 19:6). Notice He is omnipotent—not somewhat potent, or even mostly
potent, but omni potent! Why would anyone want it any other way?
My experience in coming to
the “Doctrines of Grace” was perhaps somewhat like that of the famous Charles
Spurgeon who said, “I can remember the day and the hour when these truths were
burned as a hot iron into my soul, and how I felt I had grown on a sudden from
a babe to a man.” I learned that these
are the glorious truths embraced down through the ages by many of the great
pillars of the faith—men like Augustine, Martin Luther, John Calvin, John
Bunyan, John Owen, Charles Spurgeon, Jonathan Edwards, George Whitfield, and
many others. Well-known sovereign grace
believers of our day include men like R. C. Sproul, John MacArthur, John Piper,
and many others. I began to see what was
behind a lot of the slick tactics of many Decisionists.
Once we knew what we were
looking for, it did not take long for Beverly and me to find a church where
these things were preached and practiced.
It was called
“…and
whosoever will, let him come, and take the water of life freely.” (Revelation
22:17)
And so I lived happily ever
after, right? Well, not exactly. Being a Christian doesn’t exempt you from
tribulation. In fact, it guarantees it! “We must, through
much tribulation, enter the
As stated earlier: I do
trust that the reader realizes that my testimony—anyone’s testimony—is not the
“gospel.” Our testimonies cannot save
anyone. It is the gospel which is “the power of God unto salvation” (Romans
1:16). Hopefully, my conversion
illustrates to the reader the work of the Holy Spirit who leads sinners to the
absolute end of themselves, where they see, where you see, that you are guilty
before a holy God, that you are ruined and undone. How do I know that about you? Because “there is none that doeth good; no,
not one” (Romans 3:10), and God does not allow the least sin to stand in his
presence (Habakkuk 1:13). We are all in
desperate need of Christ and the gospel.
So what is the gospel? It’s not about how you can be a better person,
or live healthier, or get wealthier, or any such thing. Paul spells it out crystal clear in I
Corinthians 15: “Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel…by which also ye are saved…how
that Christ died for our sins according
to the scriptures; and that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures….” That’s the gospel: the story of the person
and work of Christ. And to us it
means…
“…he hath
made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the
righteousness of God in him” (II Corinthians 5:21). Salvation is in a
person: Jesus Christ. It’s not in any
religion, sacrament, ritual, ceremony, creed, anything, or anyone, other than
this person, Jesus Christ. Why? Because only this person did always those
things that please the Father. It is
only this person with whom the Father is well pleased. Only this person gave his life a ransom for
many. Only this person was raised from
the dead, and ascended into glory. It is
only this person to whom all power is given in heaven and in earth. Only this person sits on the throne of glory
saying, “Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give
you rest.” No one else can say that—not
the pope, or Mary, or Mohammed, or Allah, or Buddha, or anyone else—except this
person. “He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God
hath not life.” Will you be
converted as a little child and go to him?
You may be asking, “How do
I go to him?” Let me suggest the same
way the leper from Galilee did—by kneeling down before him, worshipping
him, and beseeching him, saying, “Lord,
if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean?”
Who can tell? Perhaps he would be
pleased to say to you the same words he said to that leper: “I will.
Be thou clean.”
You see, the Pharisees were
right about Jesus: “this man receiveth sinners.” Hallelujah, what a Savior!
Let me sign off the same
way the Bible does, with the most awesome invitation ever known to man. I trust that someday, when I’m dead and gone,
that