From Darkness to Light
The testimony of my conversion to Christ
By James Barry Godwin
Why am I sharing my
testimony? I’d like to think it is
purely to glorify God’s patience, providence, and grace, and to have a part in the
spreading of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
But I find other motives at work in me like pride, self-promotion, and
the desire to impress people. So do I
just sit down and shut up until my motives are perfectly pure? Or do I cry out with Paul, “O wretched man
that I am! Who shall deliver me from the
body of this death?” I take comfort that
“he remembereth that we are but dust.”
May the Lord be pleased to use me in spite of me!
From a Jacob to an
I was born April 12, 1947 in
We had a fairly large
family. I had 2 brothers, 1 sister, and
2 half sisters. I was more or less a
“prodigal son.” While the others all
finished college on time and started their careers, I “wasted a lot of my
substance with riotous living.”
I have titled my story “From
Darkness to Light,” but in some ways, it could have been called “From a Jacob
to an
I identified with Jacob in a
lot of ways. I was a pool hustler of
sorts; the kind of guy who would play poker with you, and stack the deck. Was I a wimp like Jacob was? I refuse to answer that question on the
grounds that it might tend to incriminate me!
I will say this: the Bible clearly teaches that “not many wise…, not
many mighty…, not many noble…are called; but God has chosen the foolish
things…, the weak things…, the base things…, the things which are despised…,
and the things which are not…” (I Corinthians 1).
Jacob would plot and scheme
to exalt himself. I was cut from the
same cloth. Whatever I was into at the
time—always some sport or game—I was usually obsessed with being the best at
it. So when I finally came to Christ as
a young man, I figured I’d be the best Christian. Boy, did I have a lot to learn! Whereas where they scratch and claw to be
number one in the
If this is Christianity, I don’t need
it.
My mom was Catholic and my
dad was Episcopalian. So, of course, I
was raised Catholic. Although I have warm memories of the awesome
old Gothic cathedrals and the choirs singing in Latin, the Catholic religion,
as well as all religions, seemed like mostly a waste of time to me. They made me an altar boy when I was about 10
years old. I was scheduled to serve
6:30AM mass one week. On Monday morning
of that week I arrived at school about 8:00AM.
The nun who taught our class was steaming with anger. She stood me up in front of the whole class
and, with a voice that could shatter glass, made the point that I had nothing
more important to do in all of life than to serve mass. She asked me why I wasn’t there on time. I said, “I forgot”. She said, “Oh, you forgot, did you? Are you
going to be on time tomorrow?” I said,
“Well, Sister, I don’t know. You see, my
dad is taking me to the wrestling matches tonight, so I’ll be up late, and it
might be hard to get up early.” If she’d
had a gun, she might have shot me on the spot!
Not all the nuns were as
crusty as she was. One in particular,
Sister Mary Stephanie, will always have a special place in my heart. She was so calm and peaceful, sweet and
smart—a virtuous woman in many ways. I
loved her. She taught us for 3 straight
years. I suppose she had some influence
on our decision later in life to name our only daughter “Stephanie.”
But all in all, by the time I
became a young man, I had pretty much rejected as unprofitable most of the
Catholic system of priests, masses, rosaries, relics, indulgences, purgatory,
etc. I would like to be able to say I
saw through it because I understood the Biblical teachings found, for example,
in Ephesians chapter 2—that we are saved by grace alone, through faith alone,
in Christ alone. But the fact is, I had
never even heard of the book of Ephesians, much less read it. I pretty much just lumped Catholicism in with
all other religions as a waste of time.
I attended
I enrolled in a Catholic
Jesuit college in
“…Whosoever committeth sin is the
servant of sin.” (John 8:34)
By the time I had become a
young man, I thought I was free as a bird—free
from religion, free from God, free from his laws. Free?
O my, how deceptive sin can be!
Jesus said, “…whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin.” (John 8:34)
I got arrested for writing my
own amphetamine prescriptions in
I got arrested for
shoplifting in
I was drafted for the war in
Because of the shame and
sadness, it is probably best not to even speak of some of the things I did in
those dark days. Talk about regrets…
“The Son of Man is come to seek and to
save that which is lost.” (Luke 19:10)
Why did God set his love on
me? What made him decide to seek out a
sinner like me and not my next door neighbor?
Who can say? I do know this (but
I can’t say I knew it then): the year was 1969, I was 22 years of age, and he
started a process in my life of drawing me to himself like a moth to the light.
I was in a laundromat in
They promised me that if I
would pray with them, God would reveal Himself to me. I said, “Right here and now?” They said, “Yes, right here and now.” I said, “Well, I want to see this.” So we all got
down on our knees there in the middle of the laundromat—people walking by,
probably thinking we’re all a bunch of kooks—and they prayed for me that God
would reveal Himself to me. When we
finished, I looked up, hoping to see God or at least an angel standing in front
of me. When I saw nothing, I said,
“Well…, where is He?” They said, “Don’t
you feel Him?” I said, “Oh, come on. You promised me I
would see Him. Where is He?
See, He doesn’t really exist.
You’re just like all the other religious hypocrites I’ve ever met.”
A few days later, the husband
came to see me at the local bank where I was working. I still remember the humble look on his
face. It was evident to me because it
was in such sharp contrast to the look of arrogance and pride I was so used to
seeing on the faces of most of the people I hung out with. He put a little pocket sized New Testament in
my teller’s drawer and told me they were all praying for me at his church. I thought to myself, “Well, if you want to
waste your time praying for me, and your money buying me Bibles, so be it.”
I had never had a Bible in my
hands before that I could remember. I
certainly had never read one. I’m thinking,
“What am I going to do with this?” I
took it into the break room and told everyone the story. We were all having a big time mocking and
laughing when one woman changed the entire atmosphere in an instant. She boldly declared, “Well, Barry, I believe
the Bible!” I could see that she was
serious. She went on: “If the Bible is
not the word of God, then how come everything it has ever prophesied has come
true?” I said, “It has?” I’d never heard anything like that
before. It cut me to the quick. Still, I managed to put all that on the back
burner and continue my life of sin.
The “hound of heaven”
Society was going through
some dramatic changes in the late 1960’s.
There was sexual revolution, cultural revolution, political revolution,
just to name a few. There was also in
those days, what could well be described as a special visitation of the Spirit
of God in this country. It might not be
accurate to describe it as a time of true revival, but I do know a lot of
people were professing faith in Christ back then, and though many were like the
dog who returns to his vomit again, or like the sow that was washed to its
wallowing in the mire, there were some who are still serving the Lord to this
day. I also know this: that first
witness, in that laundromat in
My nephew had recently had
some kind of spiritual experience. He
called it “getting saved”. I had never
heard of anything like that before. He
told me I was living for the devil. I
didn’t say anything. I just looked at
him and thought to myself, “You know, he’s right.”
Still, I continued to seek
the pleasures of sin as much as possible and then, here came the Hound of
Heaven again. Abusing marijuana and
sometimes harder drugs, including LSD, was having a negative effect on my
nerves, to say the least. I had tried lots
of remedies but nothing worked. So I
decided to pray as a last resort. Other
than that time in the laundromat, I don’t know that I had ever really prayed
before. Immediately I felt a peace come
over me unlike anything I had ever experienced.
It was so dramatic that I thought maybe I had gotten “saved,” whatever
that was.
I had not gotten saved, but
something definitely was different from that moment on. I did not know it then, but it was what
theologians call the “pre-salvation work of the Holy Spirit.” Jesus said, “No man can come unto me except
the Father, who hath sent me draw him…”
(John 6:44). God had begun the
process of drawing me.
I began to develop a
conscience which really threw a wrench into things! I would play pool, and if I’d win, sometimes
I’d give the money back. I had trouble
lying like I used to. It was
confusing. I even told some of my
“friends”—partners in sin and crime were more like it—that I was becoming “some
kind of Christian.” They did not seem
interested.
I was under “conviction of
sin,” but I had a long way to go before I was really ready to do business with
God. Although I had made some moves in
the right direction, gambling, drugs, and all manner of immoral behavior were
still the hallmarks of my life.
The “girlfriends” I had could
hardly be called that. If I was
interested in them, they’d dump me. If
they were interested in me, I’d dump them.
It was pretty pathetic.
“Beware lest any man spoil you through
vain philosophy and vain deceit, after the traditions of men, after the
rudiments of the world, and not after Christ” (
The wages of sin were
beginning to catch up with me. I became
confused, lonely, and depressed. I had
thoughts of throwing in the towel, but the fear of hell deterred me. Between the years of 1967 to 1973, I went to
2 psychologists, 3 psychiatrists, and 3 priests for counseling trying to figure
out why I was so unhappy? And how do I
put the pieces of the puzzle together?
And why I couldn’t find somebody to love?
Now I know that psychology
and psychiatry have their places, but these were my experiences:
One of the psychiatrists was
a devout atheist. One of the
psychologists suggested I try reading more pornography. If the 3 priests weren’t perverts, they sure
acted like it—same for another one of the psychiatrists. One psychologist did suggest I study the
lives of great men in history—not bad advice.
And one psychiatrist did suggest I try going to church—not bad
advice. But not one of them seemed even
remotely aware of my greatest problem: how was a hell-deserving sinner like
me ever going to be made righteous in the sight of a holy God?
To tell you the truth, the
atheist probably made the most astute observation of them all. He said, “You’re looking for some sweet young
all-American girl to be your wife, and yet you’re a rat, a con-man. You don’t have a career or even a job other
than selling dope and gambling. You
can’t offer her any security. Why should
she be interested in you?” It cut me
like a knife.
One night some thug from a
pool hall beat me up. I asked that same psychiatrist
“why do things like this keep happening to me?”
He said, “what do you expect from the places you go and the kind of
people you hang out with?” How was I
going to argue with that?
“…lest the light of the glorious gospel
of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine unto them.”
(II Corinthians 4:4))
One night in 1973 a really
startling wake-up call was sent to me from a most unexpected source. I was selling some marijuana to three
“customers” when suddenly from behind me I heard the chilling sound of a
trigger cocking and felt the barrel of a pistol at the back of my neck as they
proceeded to rob me. The guy’s hand was
trembling. He kept saying, “I’m gonna’ blow
this cracker’s head off.” I’m wondering
what it’s going to be like to snapped into eternity. The darkness
I saw in their eyes that night made
an impression on me that I would never forget.
I did not know it then, but I had begun to understand by experience
something of the biblical principle of light-and-darkness. I did not know it then, but the issue of
light-and-darkness is no minor theme in scripture:
·
“The people who
walked in darkness have seen a great light” (Isaiah 9:2).
·
“Light is come into the world, and men
loved darkness rather than light” (John 3:19).
·
“…lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ,
who is the image of God, should shine unto them” (II Cor 4:4).
·
“The light of the body is the eye… (Matthew
6:22).
·
“…the praises of
him who hath called you out of darkness
into his marvelous light” (I Peter
2:9).
·
And a host of
other like statements.
Actually, I was becoming
obsessed with 3 issues in life: God, love, and this issue of
light-and-darkness. The hound of heaven
was after me more so than ever. Gospel
messengers were coming to me from what seemed like “out of the woodwork.” Just to mention a few:
*
Two of my old friends had gotten “saved,” what ever that was. They took me to an evangelistic meeting. It was probably the first time I had been in
a church in years. I went forward at the
invitation. I asked the evangelist, “Why
should I quit selling marijuana?”
Without any hesitation he answered, “Because the Bible says to obey the
laws of the land.” Wow! I had never met anyone who could quote the
Bible and apply it to my life like that!
The sword of the Lord just pierced into my soul! I will probably never forget that simple
encounter.
* I
was walking into a bar one night, and out front was one of my old high school
friends with a Bible in his hand telling me that Jesus Christ is “the way, the
truth, and the life.” There was a
brightness to his countenance I had never seen before.
* I
went to play golf and who did I get pared with but John Bramlett?—the ex
All-Pro NFL linebacker. John’s recent
conversion to Christ was the talk of the town.
I was full of questions. He was
more than willing to try to answer every one.
What a “coincidence,” huh?
*
One day I was just standing at a gas pump, filling my car, when a young man
comes by with a Bible in his hand and starts telling me “Jesus loves me.” I’m thinking, “Is there a conspiracy going on
here, or what?”
*
One day I was walking down the street, contemplating the existence of God, as
usual, and thinking, “I wonder what is really going on here with all these
people telling me of a God in heaven who loves me. Could it really be true? And if it is, how do I know Jesus Christ is
the only way to him?” At that exact
instant—what a “coincidence”—church bells from a grand old Anglican cathedral
across the street began ringing. The
Lord’s answer was as clear as if he’d spoken to me with an audible voice!
* A
most astonishing event took place one night in T.G.I. Friday’s at
(You
may be thinking, “It was probably just paranoia. How does he know those guys were cops?” I’m glad you asked. Allow me to fast forward about a year into
the future from that night. By then I
was truly converted, out of the marijuana business, and working as a night
auditor at the Holiday Inn, when one of those same 2 men walked into the
lobby. I said, “you’re a policeman,
aren’t you?” He said, “how did you
know?” I reminded him of that night in Friday’s, and that I had since
become a Christian. He admitted that,
yes, he was working Metro-Narcotics at that bar at that time. Amazing!)
“For God, who commanded the light to
shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the
knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.” (II Corinthians
4:6)
I hung out at night at the
bars at
At that time God was sending
these “Jesus freaks” there to
I would often talk to one
young man from the Sonshine Inn, who, like me, had lived a life of sin, but he
had been converted, and his life had changed.
I told him I thought maybe I had already been “converted,” but I knew
inside that he had something I didn’t have.
I would have long conversations with him on the sidewalks of
I began going to the Catholic
cathedral that I attended as a child, but not for services. I would go during the middle of the day when
no one else was there so I could have the place all to myself to pray. I would like to be able to say I was praying
for God to ransom me from my sin, but to be honest, mostly I was praying for
him put all the pieces of this crazy puzzle together for me and to send me a
good woman to love. But at least I was
praying, which is quite a development for someone who not long before
considered himself an atheist and mocked the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I had a little pocket-sized
New Testament that someone had given me along the way. It may have been the same one that the man in
Loneliness, depression, confusion,
and the issues of God, love, light and darkness were pressing harder on
me. I thought if I didn’t find some
answers soon I was just going to throw in the towel. And then came August 25, 1973. I walked into T.G.I. Friday’s about
lunchtime, thinking “what am I doing spending day after day and night after
night in this place of darkness?” Just
then—what a “coincidence”—the music began to play a country & western song
that was popular at the time:
“Lord, help me, Jesus.
I’ve wasted it,
So help me, Jesus.
My soul’s in your hands...”
I thought, “How many times is
the Lord going to speak to me before I wake up and listen?”
I left, but came back that
evening. The darkness and the hypocrisy
made me feel like I was ready to explode.
I had to do something. I realized that God himself had given me this
insight, but why? I said to myself, “I
can’t take this any more. I’ve got to
know if there really is a difference between the people in here and those
‘Christians’ out there on the sidewalk.
If there’s not, then I guess I’ll just end it all.” I practically ran out the door to the
sidewalk. I didn’t know what the answer
was going to be, but I was desperate
to find out. I had finally come
to the end of myself!
A young man named Johnny was
there sharing the gospel with a young girl.
I walked up to him and looked right into his eyes to try to determine if
he truly had the answer. The light I saw
in him may not have been like the one the Apostle Paul saw on the road to
I was absolutely convinced with all
my heart that Jesus Christ is risen from the dead and is Lord. The questioning, the
wondering, the searching was all over in an instant. I felt clean.
I felt new. I was full of a joy
and a peace I had never known before. I
was “born again,” just as the scripture says, though I did not know as yet what
that really meant. In the short distance
from that bar to that sidewalk, I had stepped from the kingdom of darkness and entered the kingdom of light!
I realized that God’s
all-powerful and all-loving hand of providence had been orchestrating every
event in my life at every turn to bring me to that sidewalk at that
moment. I was overwhelmed at his patience with me for all those
years. I was very conscious of the fact
that God had done something for me that I could never have done for
myself. Like Lydia of Thyatira, the Lord
had opened my heart to attend unto the things of the gospel (Acts 16:14).
To what things of the gospel
did I attend? I wish I could say I
understood all about the atoning work of Christ, and what it means to be
called, justified, and sanctified.
Within 2 days, I would be in a Bible believing church on Sunday morning
feasting on these great truths, but to be honest, I didn’t know a whole lot of
anything that Friday night. Like the
woman with the issue of blood, about all I knew to do was touch the hem of
Jesus’ garment. I guess you could say
the sum total of my knowledge was something like this: he is risen from the
dead, he is Lord, I am his, and I am going to be serving him for the rest of my
life.
I didn’t know what else to
say to Johnny except: “You’ve got the power of God in you.” He said, “What, are you mocking me?” I said, “No, and now I’ve got it in me!” We both just looked at each other…neither of
us speaking for a moment…he was sizing me up.
Then he said, “May I pray for you?”
I said, “Sure.” I can still
remember his prayer quite well. He asked
God to release me and set me free from the power of sin and Satan. I remember thinking as he prayed, “This is a
nice prayer, but he’s just a little late.
God has already set me free about 2 minutes ago!”
When we finished praying and
I opened my eyes, I noticed some of my friends and acquaintances walking
by. I was suddenly pressed with the
reality that they were just walking the plank into hell—the same plank from
which I had just been snatched! I don’t
know that I had ever given the subject of hell a whole lot of serious thought
before now. But my, how all that changed
in an instant! I wanted to stop them all
and tell them, “Hey, I’ve found the way of escape out of the sin and the
darkness. It’s wonderful. It’s glorious.” I did try telling some of them, but it was
clear they were not interested.
“He that believeth on the Son of God
hath the witness in himself…” (I John 5:6)
I went home and picked up my
little New Testament. I had no idea
where to start. I don’t remember my
thought process in deciding on the epistle of First John, but it seemed like
God Himself just illuminated the pages as I read that “God is light,
and in Him is no darkness at all.” I read that “God is love.” It was about all the things that I had been
consumed with for the last 4 years. Not
only that, but what a bonus when I
got to chapter 5 and read, “…this is the record, that God hath given to us
ETERNAL LIFE, and this life is in his SON.
HE THAT HATH THE SON HATH LIFE…”
I was just amazed. I didn’t know
the Bible had stuff like this in it. It
bore witness with my spirit. There was
peace in my soul. (By the way, I might
have chosen any book of the Bible to start.
Was I just lucky to happen to
open up to First John? I trust it is not
necessary to dignify that question with an answer!)
It was partly sunny the next
day. I felt like, if I could just roll
back the clouds, there would be Christ himself, seated on his throne, watching
his new child. I wanted to sing, but did
not know any Christian songs or hymns, other than “The Battle Hymn of the
Republic.” All day long I kept looking
up at the sky and singing “Mine eyes have
seen the glory of the coming of the Lord…”
I wanted to tell somebody
what had happened. By now I thought I
could pretty well determine whether or not people were Christians just by
looking into their eyes. I went up to
one guy who seemed to have a nice look on his face and some light in his
eyes. I said, “Are you a
Christian?” He said, “Well,…uhhhh…,
yeah.” I introduced myself, shook his
hand and said, “Well, I am too. I just
thought we ought to get to know each other since we’re going to be spending
eternity together!” He looked at me like
I was crazy. I decided maybe I better
contain my enthusiasm somewhat until I can find somebody who can relate to
me. I got in my car and drove up and down
“If any man be in Christ, he is a new
creature. Old things are passed
away. Behold, all things are become
new.” (II Corinthians 5:17)
It has been well said that,
“We are saved by faith alone, but the faith that saves is never alone.” It is the result of the “new birth,” said
Jesus; which then results in being “made alive,” said the apostle Paul, and in
receiving a “new heart,” said the prophet Ezekiel, and in becoming a “new
creature,” said Paul again. I was
certainly no exception. O my, how my
life has changed.
I knew “intuitively” from the
very start that my days as a Roman Catholic were over. What need was there for some man, who is just
as big a sinner as I am, to be my priest, when I now have direct access by
prayer and faith to The Great High Priest?
What good can come from the offering of daily sacrifices “which can
never take away sins” (Hebrews 10:11), especially when Christ “by one offering
has perfected for ever them that are sanctified” (Hebrews 10:14)?
I also knew “intuitively”
from the start what I later discovered is clearly taught in scripture: “out of
the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”
My language changed instantly. Whereas I used to blaspheme that holy name
whereby we are called, now I love to sing praises to it. Whereas I used to cuss like a sailor, now I
just cringe when I hear even the
slightest inappropriate comment from anyone.
I can’t count the number of times over the years I’ve warned people that
we are not allowed to use profanity out here (“out here on this planet”). I’ve had more than one get angry at me about
it. People don’t like to have their
righteousness insulted, but Jesus said, “…every idle word that men shall speak,
they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment, for by thy words thou
shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned” (Matthew 12:
34-37).
There was just no desire for
marijuana or any other illegal drugs any more.
To this day, I will hardly take an aspirin unless I am desperate. When I am offered a cup of coffee, my
standard reply is, “no thanks. I got off
of drugs when I got saved!"
I called a metro-narcotics detective
that I had met a few times at various hangouts over the years. For some reason he had always been friendly
to me. I told him I suspected they were
closing in on me, and, if he would, please tell them to back off, because it’s
all over…I’ve gotten saved, and I’m out of the dope business! He admitted they were closing in on me. He was rejoicing with me on the phone at my
conversion to Christ. He said he was a
Christian himself. It was great.
I got a job and quit
gambling. You’ll search the bible in
vain for a verse that says “thou shalt not gamble.” But what you will find are statements like
“beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God….” How am I going to obey the commandment to
love one another if I’m trying to beat you out of your paycheck?
If I may, let me pause here
for a moment and try to clear something up.
If you have known me for a while, you might remember me saying that back
in the late 1980’s I went several times to the horse track in Hot Springs, or
the dog track in West Memphis. It was
wrong of me. If I was a stumbling block
to you, please let me ask your forgiveness.
Please don’t misunderstand me; I am not criticizing racing, especially
horse racing. It’s a noble sport. I still love to watch the Kentucky Derby, and
the Triple Crown on TV. If it weren’t
for all the drunks, I’d still love to attend Churchill Downs on Derby Day. But that’s the point. I can still remember the day in 1991 when I
took my family to the horse races in
I gained a whole new set of
friends who believed the gospel. I have
no idea what happened to most of my old acquaintances. There were some from whom I had to ask
forgiveness and make amends. There are
others from whom I would like to ask forgiveness, but I wouldn’t even know
where to find them. I asked my mom’s and
dad’s forgiveness for all the trouble I had caused them over the years.
I had acquired quite a
collection of Rock ‘n Roll music albums over the years. One day I just gathered them all up and just
dropped them in a dumpster. I replaced
them all with Christian music. I have
never regretted that move for one minute.
The vain philosophies of the world had spoiled me long enough.
I went to enlist in the army,
wanting in a small way to make up for my reckless past. The recruiter ran a background check on
me. It came up clean. That was before the age of computers. He said all I have to do to enlist is say
“no” to the questions regarding ever having used or abused illegal drugs. I figured if I had to lie, then the Lord must
not want me there.
Now that I had a new heart, I
was able to understand the gospel. The
great truths of the faith which (a) I had never even heard of before, and (b)
even if I had, would not have made any difference to me, now began to thrill my
soul. I can still remember it so
clearly, one Sunday afternoon, not long after coming to Christ: I was listening
to a radio sermon on the subject of “imputation,” when suddenly the glory light
came on for me again, and I saw that my
sin was imputed to Christ on Calvary, and his
righteousness was imputed to me when
I came to him. It has been well said
that a lost man can see everything in the cross of Jesus Christ that a saved
man can, except for one thing: the glory. He can’t see the glory. I began to see that glory and still do to
this day, only more so.
I hope that by describing
some of the blessings of being in Christ that I do not sound like I’m boasting
on myself. I hope I am boasting on the work
of the Holy Spirit in me, but John Owen put it well in 1656: “Who can say that
he has ever had anything to do with God or for God which indwelling sin has not
tried to corrupt?” But the “Carnal
Christian” heresy is so prevalent in our society, that is seems important to
point out that, though Christians still sin woefully, sin does not have dominion over us any longer (Romans
6). Yes, on the one hand, I am a
disgrace to Christ with my pride and self-righteousness (Romans 7). It often seems like the closer I get to the
Lord, the more I am aware of the Pharisee in me. But on the other hand, there is no
condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8). Like all Christians, I am continually
striving to overcome my sin and my doubts (Hebrews 12). The typical lost man knows no such struggle. I long for the day when I will be perfectly conformed
to the image of Jesus Christ! The
typical lost man does not think that way.
Let me say it like this: I aint
what I oughta’ be, and I aint what I’m gonna’ be, but praise God, I aint what I
was!
The need to exalt myself
began to diminish. Why? Was it because I now realized I had finally
reached the top? Not hardly! Just the opposite. I began to understand the revolutionizing truth
that, “God’s strength is made perfect in weakness.” No, I don’t have it all together. But I’ve got a sinless Saviour who has it all
together! My job is to humble myself
before him. I’d like to be able to say
that God has wiped that “high look” off my face that I wore for so many years. I wish I could say I have reached the top in
meekness and in having a lowly servant’s heart like the one God’s only begotten
son had, but alas! to my shame, this one will take some time. Please be patient with me; I started from way
back in the pack!
“The entrance of thy words giveth
light.” (Psalm 119:130)
Shortly after my conversion,
I told my mother I needed to get myself a Bible. She asked me what kind of a Bible? I didn’t know there was more than one
kind. She said, “Maybe you should get a
King James Bible.” I didn’t know what
she was talking about. In the meantime,
I joined a
I asked my friends at the
Sonshine Inn where I should start reading in my new Bible. They suggested the book of Romans. So I went home and read it through that
night. I can still remember getting to
the 9th chapter and reading for the first time:
“…Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated…Therefore
he has mercy on whom he will have mercy, and whom he will he hardens…Who art
thou, O man, to reply to God?”
I thought, “Wow! This is deep stuff.” I decided that, being a new Christian, maybe
this was a little over my head for now, and to put it on the back burner for a
while. Today, I understand Romans 9 to
be proclaiming a lot of things, not the least of which is the same glorious
truth that is taught everywhere else in the Bible: the Judge of the whole earth
may show mercy; he will do right!
“Whoso finds a wife finds a good thing and
obtains the favor of the Lord.” (Proverbs 18:22)
Beverly and I became good
friends. We saw each other at church at
lot, and often rode to church together.
I became good friends with her mom and dad too. The more I got know
It was quite different from a
typical engagement in our society. I had
read in the Bible in I Corinthians chapter 7 that it is “good for a man not to
touch a woman…nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let them marry.” I figured that meant to keep my cotton-pickin’ hands off until we were married! That may sound a little unusual in our
society, but I can tell you this: it was a sweet honeymoon! Well, actually, the honeymoon isn’t over yet;
although from time to time we’ve had to put it on hold in recent years because
of Bev’s problems, but we won’t go into those.
We have one daughter,
Stephanie, born in 1979. We always
wanted more children, but O my, what a blessing that girl has been. Stephanie also developed some serious
problems as she grew up, but we won’t go into those either. We have two grandchildren, Noah and Savanna.
“…and I will restore unto you the years
that the locust hath eaten.” (Joel 2:25)
I attended Mid South Bible
College—now called
I wound up in the insurance
industry. The time would fail me to tell
of how God has blessed me with my own health care insurance agency. Indeed, he has “restored unto me the years
the locusts had eaten.”
How do you know you’re not deceiving
yourself?
I have been invited to teach
or preach once in a while over the years, but I don’t think I will ever be
called thereto. What a privilege it is
for Christians to be “ambassadors for Christ.”
What a responsibility Christians have to warn the wicked of God’s wrath
and of the way of escape.
If the question be asked,
“Isn’t it kind of arrogant for you to think that you have the truth, while so
many around you are in error?” Or, “Do
you really think you are one of God’s chosen few, while so many others
perish?” And, “How do you know you’re
not deceiving yourself?” My answer is,
“Okay, fair enough.” If I’m going to ask
others to admit the possibility that they are deceiving themselves, then it
would be arrogant for me not to be willing to admit the possibly that I could
be deceiving myself. The greatest
Christian who ever lived feared “lest possibly, when he had preached to others,
he himself might be a castaway.” (I Corinthians 9:27) So I’ll answer the question this way: while
I’m very confident that I know the Lord, and am known of Him, let me say this:
If it turns out that I am deceiving myself, then
I’ll plead the blood of Christ all the way to hell! I have no “plan B!”
Decisionism –vs- The Doctrines of
Sovereign Grace
Speaking of deception,
although I had been delivered from the hocus-pocus in the Catholic Church, and
although the grass is greener on this side of the hill, it still has some weeds
in it! One of the most pernicious of
those weeds is, in the opinion of many, “Arminiansim,” which in a nutshell,
teaches that God’s sovereignty is limited when it comes to the area of man’s so
called “free will,” but…
…what is the will? If you look it up in the dictionary, you will
find it is one of the powers of the mind—the “power of choice.” Other powers of the mind include the power of
reason, the power of memory, etc. The
will is the power to choose. Now does
the will just independently, capriciously make choices? That would be nonsense. Man always chooses that which is consistent
with his mind, his nature, his heart.
And what is the condition of the natural man’s mind, or nature, or
heart? His mind is blinded by Satan lest the light of the gospel should shine
in to him (II Corinthians 4:4). He is by nature the child of wrath (Ephesians
2:3). His heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked
(Jeremiah 17:9). How is a man in that
state ever going to “choose Christ” on his own, unless God first does for him what he is not
able to do for himself? Jesus
himself addressed this question: “Except
a man be born again, he cannot see
the
Consider the issue of God limiting his sovereignty when it comes
to man. Can he be God and not God at the
same time? That would be absurd. On the contrary, the scriptures declare with
no uncertainty that “the heart of the king is in the hand of the Lord, as the
rivers of water, he turns it withersoever he will” (Proverbs 27:1). Does that sound like a God whose sovereignty
is limited in any way when it comes to man or any of his faculties? God “works all things after the counsel of his
own will” (Ephesians 1:11)—not some
things, or most things, but all things.
Arminians complain that the
idea of God tampering with some men’s free wills is “unfair.” They think it unfair that God would choose
one person and not another. To many, the
doctrine of God’s absolute sovereignty conjures up the notion of men knocking
on heaven’s door, begging to get in, and God saying, “okay, you can come in,
and you, but not you, or you…” The
biblical truth is that the whole race is running to get away from God. “There is none righteous, no, not one,” and notice
this: “there is none that seeketh
after God” (Romans 3:10,11). The
biblical truth is, if he were “fair,” he would cast us all into hell, but in
his sovereign grace, he reaches down and plucks some “like brands from the
fire.”
Arminians object: “what about
the ‘whosoever wills’ of the Bible?”
They reason: “God would not invite us to come to him in faith if we were
not able.” Augustine’s answer from the 4th
century still applies today: “God bids us do things we are not able in order
that we may know what things we have need to ask of him in prayer!”
I have had Arminian preachers
tell me that they actually—kind of “secretly”—believe
in election, predestination, and effectual grace, but that they would never
preach these because such knowledge might diminish the zeal of the soul-winners
in their congregations! In other words,
it’s best to keep them ignorant, is that right?
Actually, if the Lord is not able to overcome man’s resistance to the
gospel, then the legitimate question to ask is “why preach the gospel at all?”
for the Bible clearly declares the inability of the natural man to receive
anything “except it be given him from above” (John 3:27; I Corinthians 2:14). It has been well-said that, far from
discouraging us, the truth of God’s absolute sovereignty ought to fill our
hearts with encouragement and zeal to go forth and declare the gospel of
redeeming grace, knowing that the Chief Shepherd is able to seek, find, rescue,
and bring his wandering sheep safely to the fold!
Although Arminianism was
condemned as heresy at the Synod of Dort in 1619, it is the reigning paradigm
of thought in mainstream Christianity today.
It is also
“Decisionism,” is Arminianism
in action. “Decisionists” see God as
merely making salvation possible, and
from there he waits to respond to those who make the right decision to accept or reject His offer. A. W. Pink, in his classic work, The
Sovereignty of God, wrote: “To say that the sinner’s salvation turns upon
the action of his own will, is
another form of the God-dishonoring dogma of salvation by human efforts.” It’s either by grace, or it’s by works, but
it cannot be both (Romans 11).
Well-known Decisionists of our day include men like Billy Graham (“The
Hour of Decision”), Jerry Falwell, and Adrian Rogers. The Lord, in his providence, allowed me the
opportunity to personally debate this issue twice with
From the very start of my
walk with Christ, I became painfully aware of “Decisionists,” using all sorts
of slick tactics to win “converts,” and assuring them that their salvation is
secure because they have walked the aisle to the front of the church in
response to some crafty preacher’s altar call, or because they have recited
someone else’s prayer in which they “let Jesus come into their hearts.” I thought I had been delivered from ritualism
when I left the Catholic Church, but here it was again in a different
guise. Since the scripture plainly
states that “it is not of him who wills,
nor of him who runs, but of God who shows mercy” (Romans 9:16), it became
very difficult for Beverly and me to find a church we could call home. We spent 3 years looking for a church where
they believed as Jonah did that “Salvation is of the Lord.”
Please don’t get me
wrong. This is not to say that there are
not people who genuinely love the Lord in churches where the gospel preaching
is less than precisely accurate. In
fact, if perfect doctrine is required to be right with God, then we are all in trouble! But on the other hand, it is a disgrace to
see the gospel willfully perverted, or to see “success” in soul winning hinge
largely on the ability of the evangelist to manipulate people. It is also dangerous to assure a man that his
eternal destiny has been settled merely because he has made a verbal profession of faith. Jesus said there will be many who will come
to him in that day professing Christ, to whom he will say, “I never knew
you. Depart from me, ye that work
iniquity” (Matthew 7:23).
As my exasperation with
“Decisionism” continued, I got to know an elderly theology professor at Mid
South Bible College named Paul Davidson.
We called him our beloved “Brother D.”
He was always asking questions like, “For whom did Christ die?...What
was the intent of the atonement?” I
began to wrestle with issues like, “Did
I went on to learn that truths
like election, predestination, foreknowledge, and sovereign grace were not some
“cruel, dangerous doctrines” as some say, but rather, that these are blessed truths that highly exalt the King of
Kings and Lord of Lords, and provide the only
real hope to otherwise hopeless sinners.
I found the Scriptures to be consistent:
The
Father has chosen his sheep in love before the foundation of the world. (Eph 1)
The
Good Shepherd gave his life for his sheep. (John 10)
The
Holy Spirit seeks them, finds them, rescues them, and brings them safely to the
fold. (Luke 15)
“Alleluia, for the Lord God
omnipotent reigneth” (Revelation 19:6).
Notice He is omnipotent—not somewhat potent, or even mostly potent, but omni potent! Why would
anyone want it any other way?
With reference to the
“Doctrines of Grace,” the famous Charles Spurgeon said, “I can remember the day
and the hour when these truths were burned as a hot iron into my soul, and how
I felt I had grown on a sudden from a babe to a man.” Hey, I had the same experience! I learned that these are the glorious truths
embraced down through the ages by many of the great pillars of the faith—men
like Augustine, Martin Luther, John Calvin, John Bunyan, John Owen, Charles
Spurgeon, Jonathan Edwards, George Whitfield, A. W. Pink, and many others. Well-known sovereign grace believers of our
day include R. C. Sproul and John MacArthur.
I began to see what was behind a lot of the slick tactics of many
Decisionists.
Once we knew what we were looking
for, it did not take long for Beverly and me to find a church where these
things were preached and practiced. It
was called
“…and whosoever will, let him come, and
take the water of life freely.”
(Revelation 22:17)
And so, I lived happily ever
after, right? Well, not exactly. Like all Christians, I do have the joy of the
Lord, but being a Christian doesn’t exempt you from tribulation. In fact, it guarantees it! “We must, through much tribulation, enter the
I trust that the reader
realizes that my testimony is not the
“gospel.” It is the subjective story of the providential work of God in my life,
leading me to embrace the objective
gospel of his Son. My testimony cannot
save anyone. It is the gospel which is
“the power of God unto salvation.”
Perhaps my testimony will wet the appetite of some to seek Christ and to
drink of that “living water” which he promised.
Hopefully, my conversion illustrates the nature of saving faith,
which results when God opens men’s blinded eyes to see the need to abandon all
hope in their own righteousness, and rest solely in the righteousness of
Christ.
Let me leave you with this
thought: there is no plan of salvation
that saves sinners, only the man of
salvation, Jesus Christ. “HE THAT
HATH THE SON HATH LIFE; and HE THAT HATH NOT THE SON OF GOD HATH NOT LIFE” (I
John 5:12). Salvation is in a person:
Jesus Christ. It’s not in any religion,
sacrament, ritual, ceremony, creed, anything, or anyone, other than this
person, Jesus Christ. Why? Because only this person did always those
things that please the Father. It is
only this person with whom the Father is well pleased. Only this person gave his life a ransom for
many. Only this person was raised from
the dead, and ascended into glory. It is
only this person to whom all power is given in heaven and in earth. Only this person sits on the throne of glory
saying, “Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give
you rest.” No one else can say that—not
the pope, or Mary, or Mohammed, or Allah, or Buddha, or anyone else—except this
person. “He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God
hath not life.” Will you be
converted as a little child and come to him?
You may be a “good person” in
your estimation, thinking you don’t need conversion. If so, I urge you to consider: Jesus came “not to call the righteous.” You may be such a sinner that you think
you’ve gone beyond God’s grace. If so,
read on: he came “not to call the righteous, but sinners.” But read it all:
he came “not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance” (Luke 5:32).
You may be a young
unconverted person—young or old; it doesn’t matter—thinking my story is
entertaining, or perhaps concluding that you can enjoy the pleasures of sin now
and then “get right with God” later, when you are good and ready. But what if today is your “day of
visitation?” What if, after today, God
gives you over to your sin? Did you know
that every day that you go unconverted in life is another day for your stony
heart to grow a little stonier, a little colder, until eventually you can
become so “holden with the cords of your own iniquities,” that, like Esau, you can’t repent, though you seek it
diligently with tears? The scripture
says, “Remember now thy creator in the days of thy youth, before the evil days
come”.
You may be asking, “What do I
do?” In a word, the gospel message is
clear: cast yourself before God’s
throne of grace and plead the blood
of Jesus Christ to cover your sin. Well,
how do you get there? Let me suggest the
same way the leper from
Let me sign off the same way
the Bible does, with the most awesome invitation ever known to man. I trust that someday, when I’m dead and gone,
that